S'mores Life

About a year ago, I published Our REAL Christmas Letter for 2015 . I shared a lot of things; I was brutally honest about the fact that we were struggling in our marriage, I was mentally struggling a lot, and we had a lot of difficult parenting moments in 2015. I shared joyous moments too of course, but 2015 was a hard year. For most of us, 2016 has not been any easier, but I look back on that letter from one year ago and see it as the starting point for me being honest about my real life on social media, blogging, and in person. Some of you know me well and know that I've never shied away from being honest, sometimes blunt, and sometimes to a fault. There is something different, however, about being real. True. Authentic. Raw. The response both online and in person, to that letter, was staggering. I still have people tell me how much they appreciate how brave I was. To be frank, I feel like my reasons for honesty were far more selfish than brave. Sure, it was nice that other peop...

Laura Reeve Photography I was going through my blog posts the other day, and stumbled upon this post about being a mom of two  and how it was all okay despite my fears, and I was reassured of that fact because of a sweet moment between my two girls. I guess it came at the exact right time, because right now in this season of motherhood? I'm tired. I'm burnt out. I'm cranky. I'm not handling things well. I'm beating myself up for every mistake. I'm yelling too much. I'm overwhelmed. My kids are cranky, tired, misbehaving, testing boundaries, being kids and some days I just think...how does anyone do this, well? It's easy to become a parent (if you're lucky), its relatively easy to keep them alive (much easier now that Haddie has glasses and isn't falling and running into things all the time...here I thought she just inherited my gracefulness) but it's so freaking hard to parent them well. It's a lot of pressure. I'm feeling jud...

If you haven't unfollowed me on social media by now, you're probably aware that I'm well into the 365 Grateful project right now. 324 days in, to be exact. I take a picture a day of something I'm grateful for. I post daily to instagram, and anywhere from 1-10 photos at a time to Facebook. And I'm done. You're likely wondering why. I'm SO close. It's a cool thing, to look back on a picture from every day of this year, and if I kept it up I could make a whole photo book of our year. Even as I type this, I'm wondering if I'm making a mistake. I started this project after a really, really rough 2015 . I thought it would give me something positive to focus on, remember small things to be grateful for, and try and be a glass half full kinda gal. The thing that I've learned is, there are a lot of things that I do struggle with, but being grateful is not one of them. I'm grateful for so many things. Even after the last few difficult years, ...

I am writing this on October 16, 2016. I am purposefully waiting until the election season is over to post this, because I don't want it to get mixed up in the screwed up world of politics. This may be a hot topic right now, but it is an important one.  Rape culture. In a strange way, I'm grateful that the world heard Trump's sick words about sexual assault. He represents a culture, that has little to nothing to do with American politics (I know just as bad has been said and done within the Democratic Party too), that women have known about all along. But his comments getting blown into the media are forcing us to finally talk about it. People want to know why his accusers didn't come forward before the election. Well, first off, BECAUSE YOU'RE ASKING THAT QUESTION. It's also for the same reasons a great deal of us haven't been vocal about this issue or our own experiences with sexual harassment or assault. What if they think I'm crazy? ...

Wogger = jogger+walker. Heavy on the walk, in this case. What pops into my head when I "run"? (Heavy on the quotation marks there, too.) Ok, you can do this. One foot in front of the other. Just, a little faster than you were going.  Pretend there are donuts being held in front of your nose. No, cookies. Fresh chocolate chip cookies. There ya go. You're running. And by running I mean I could walk briskly faster than this, but minor detail. I wonder if they make sports bras for my butt. It's bouncing just as much as my boobs. It feels like there's a lot of stretching going on. Does the bouncing create (more) stretch marks? Probably. Because, science. I can't breathe. I'm going to have an asthma attack. Except I don't have asthma. Or do I? They discovered my brother's asthma when he was playing sports outside in the cold. Maybe I do have asthma. What will happen to my kids in the stroller if I collapse? I should stop and walk, just for a...

If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you’re a parent of small children, or you once were and can look back on these years with rose colored glasses (I’m jealous, when can I get me some of those?!) and so you know exactly what I’m talking about when I say that I’m constantly answering questions. Constantly. Sometimes I even have the answer to those questions. “Mom, are you peeing or pooping?” Always in a public restroom…Always. “What are you eating?” “Why do you like coffee?” BECAUSE SURVIVAL, KID. “Mom, how did I get out of your belly?”  “Will I see Meme again in Heaven?” “When you met Daddy, was I already in your belly?” “Where does God live? I know in our hearts, but where can I see Him?” Always at bedtime…what is it about bedtime that turns our little ones into theologians and philosophers?! And then,  sometimes  a lot of times, I don’t have the answers. “What do hyenas eat?” Thank God for google. “How ...

I've been having lots of these mom moments lately. Not the cutesy ones with the perfect memories with my kids. I actually have been having lots of those lately too, which is nice because it makes the crazy mom moments not as hard. It's a lot more difficult to be mad at my 2 year old when she poops on my hand when its after she's made me laugh hysterically rather than after she's stayed awake and hyper on a cross country flight. But those moments where you wonder if this is all you are anymore...a mom. And when I say it like that, it sounds bad, right? Because being a parent is THE most important job in the world, and incredible, and a gift...which makes you then feel guilty (MOM GUILT IS THE MOST REAL THING EVER IN LIFE, EVER) for questioning it. But.  The other day I was folding laundry and I realized the nicest and sexiest underwear I own are my new Thinx PERIOD PANTIES. Period fucking panties. I mean yeah, there's lace on them and they're black. They do...

Dear Monica, You may not remember me, but I will never forget you. As excited and expectant new parents, we took the advice of many friends and interviewed and hired Dr. Gvozden in 2011. On August 14, 2011 our first daughter, Clara Hope, was born. Dr. Gvozden was out of town so we saw another doctor in the hospital. Clara and I were having breastfeeding difficulties, but I had done a ton of research and was very reassured by the nurses, Doctor, and lactation consultant that while we were off to a rough start, things were on track. When she was 4 days old, Kim Knight IBCLC came to our house per my request as I wanted to be assured we were doing all we could to make this work and have Clara thrive. I knew between my PCOS, her tongue tie, and the use of a nipple shield that we had an uphill battle so I wanted as much support in place as possible. Kim and I made a plan, she watched me nurse Clara and told me she had never seen a new mom so comfortable nursing - I was lounging and walki...

If someone told me eight years ago on May 24, 2008 that Ian and I would be spending our eight year wedding anniversary him working, and me traveling with our two kids from our home in Alaska to Maryland to celebrate my youngest brother's wedding, I would have smiled. I would have said "Yes, that sounds right. Back living in Alaska, two kids, Ian working and me a stay at home mom." On paper, everything we planned for. On paper, everything I wanted. If someone had told me I actually wouldn't have trouble having children (as I was initially told by my doctor), I would have cried tears of joy. I would have asked this prophetic messenger questions about the kids. How old, their names, did they get Ian's eyes, did they get my skin, did they get his athleticism, did they get my hair? What about their personalities? If I was told that Clara inherited my sensitive and empathetic nature, but Ian's creativity and artistic ability, I would have beamed. If someone to...

I'm grateful for my maternal anxiety and OCD. There are words I never thought I'd say. I'm doing the 365 grateful project on Instagram and Facebook, but decided today's grateful picture and post needed a whole blog posting. I'm not known for being long winded or anything. ;) Anxiety presents itself a little differently in each sufferer. It preys on your deepest, darkest fears and insecurities. So what does that look like for me? The worst thing I can imagine is someone hurting my kids, me not being able to protect them from that, or something happening to me that leaves me incapable of caring for them...so anything that falls into those categories (and it can morph and change) has the potential to trigger a panic attack for me. I'll have an intrusive thought ("what if I have a mental breakdown and can no longer care for my kids?" "___ looked at my kid funny. What was that about?" And my brain latches onto it. This is where the OCD part ki...

...as the parent of two girls. Sometimes I think that parents of boys think that parents of (only) girls got out of some of the gross and weird stuff that comes along with having kids. Maybe it's just my kids, but girls are gross and weird, too. It's probably their genetics and heritage (hi, yeah, the other day I burped while discussing poop consistency with someone I haven't known very long) but my "girly girls" gross me out all the time. Things I Never Expected to Hear, Say, See, or Do as a Parent of Two Girls: I didn't expect to clean pee off of my daughter's face. Her own pee. There's a story there that later in life I'm sure she'd kill me for putting on the internet. I never expected to be discussing private parts this much. Yeah, I get from an anatomy and safety perspective, parents and kids talk about this stuff (or should.) However, I did not expect my then 3 year old to name about 20 people in our life and ask if each one had a p...