What a non-running wogger thinks when they attempt to run

Wogger = jogger+walker. Heavy on the walk, in this case.

What pops into my head when I "run"? (Heavy on the quotation marks there, too.)

• Ok, you can do this. One foot in front of the other. Just, a little faster than you were going. 
• Pretend there are donuts being held in front of your nose.
• No, cookies. Fresh chocolate chip cookies. There ya go. You're running.
• And by running I mean I could walk briskly faster than this, but minor detail.
• I wonder if they make sports bras for my butt. It's bouncing just as much as my boobs.
• It feels like there's a lot of stretching going on. Does the bouncing create (more) stretch marks? Probably. Because, science.
• I can't breathe. I'm going to have an asthma attack. Except I don't have asthma. Or do I? They discovered my brother's asthma when he was playing sports outside in the cold. Maybe I do have asthma. What will happen to my kids in the stroller if I collapse?
• I should stop and walk, just for a bit. You know, for my kids safety. 
• Are those kids yelling "Mommy, faster!!!" at me? Are they SERIOUS? Don't they know they are part of the reason my ass is bouncing as much as my boobs?
• Ok, the chocolate chip cookies could have something to do with it. AGAIN WITH THE MINOR DETAILS.
• If they keep yelling "faster" at me, I'm going to yell at them what I yelled at their father during their births. "YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!"
• Good thing I can't catch my breath enough to say that. Or say much of anything, really.
• Turns out there IS something that shuts me up! I have a few people who I should tell that to; they've wondered.
• Ok, time to run again. Look, it's downhill. That will help...wait, the jiggling is different now. More of it. 
• I wonder how many more calories I'm burning with the stroller, or how much endurance I'm building. I bet without the stroller I could run a half marathon, easy.
• Ok yeah, I'm still going downhill, but whatever.
• That downhill thing really helps pick up the pace. Maybe I can make it further up the next hill.
• YES!
• They say to stop if you feel pain. If I'm running, I'm in pain. Maybe I should stop? The doctor would probably advise me to. 
• What if that pain is the good kind of pain? There's a good kind right, like it means you're improving?
• Heck yes, I'm improving! Look at me go! 
• Did that turtle just pass me?
• Alaska has turtles?
• My running would probably startle a moose or a bear if I ran by, I'm going so fast. Should probably stop for our safety. You never know. 
• Don't turn that corner. Don't do it. You know if you do, you'll head straight home. Just keep going so you're forced to...just keep going. 
• Huh, look at that - it's like my body was on auto pilot and just turned the corner by itself. Seems my body knows better than I do that I need to go home and rest.
• Wouldn't want to overexert myself.
• The bouncing takes a little bit to catch up with the fact that I'm walking and not running, huh? Residual bounce, it's probably called.
• I wonder if an attacker came at me, if I'd be able to outrun them. Maybe if I pretended someone was coming at me, if that'd help push me to run through til the end.
• Nope. Cookies still better motivation. Huh.
• Better add that to the list of what I need to talk to my therapist about.
• I'm such a good runner. Look at me. I'm going to go home and sign up for all the races. This time next year, I'll be in a marathon.
• I MADE IT!
• Ok, look up how far you went and how fast. It will be motivation to keep it up!
• .....
• That can't be right. Are "15 minute miles" even a thing?
• Well there ya go, turns out I *was* going slower than that turtle.
• Ok, time to eat chocolate chip cookies and google butt sports bras.