We won't stop either

I am writing this on October 16, 2016. I am purposefully waiting until the election season is over to post this, because I don't want it to get mixed up in the screwed up world of politics. This may be a hot topic right now, but it is an important one. 

Rape culture.

In a strange way, I'm grateful that the world heard Trump's sick words about sexual assault. He represents a culture, that has little to nothing to do with American politics (I know just as bad has been said and done within the Democratic Party too), that women have known about all along. But his comments getting blown into the media are forcing us to finally talk about it.

People want to know why his accusers didn't come forward before the election. Well, first off, BECAUSE YOU'RE ASKING THAT QUESTION. It's also for the same reasons a great deal of us haven't been vocal about this issue or our own experiences with sexual harassment or assault.

What if they think I'm crazy?

What if they don't believe me?

No one else has come forward...what if I have to do this all alone?

He's my boss.

He's my teacher.

He's my spouse.

He's my brother/uncle/dad.

It was only one time in an otherwise ok relationship.

Maybe he meant that comment as just a compliment. I'm overreacting.

They'll tell me I'm overreacting. 

I enjoyed the attention...at first.

I flirted with him. Maybe I gave him the wrong idea.

I shouldn't have walked home alone.

I have to continue to work with him/live with him/see him in another capacity.

At first I wanted to. If only I hadn't changed my mind.

I was drinking. I shouldn't have had that last drink.

Maybe my skirt *was* too short.

Maybe it's part of my wifely duties to be sexually available to my husband at all times.

What if he gets mad?

It's not worth the fight. It probably won't happen again. Right?

It was easier to give in than to fight. Since I didn't fight, it wasn't rape, right? 

None of these reasons are valid. There are no valid excuses for sexual harassment, assault, or rape. But these are all reasons women choose not to speak up, myself included in some of these.*

There are so many things we need to do, friends. So many things to change this culture where girls grow up being led to believe these things, even if inadvertently.

Let's teach our kids it's ok to get angry about this. It's ok to be loud and speak up.

For the love of God, please lets stop telling our daughters when a boy pushes you, it's "because he likes you." 

Let's teach them proper body parts and more importantly, body ownership. "We need to wash your armpits, belly, and vagina - do you want to do it or would you like my help?" And respect their answer. Ask before hugging, kissing, poking or tickling them and respect their answer.

Let's talk to our older kids and teens about sex. About STDs and preventing pregnancy, yes. About birth control, yes. But also about the good things about sex, and how those good things are only there when it's between loving and consenting adults.

And what consent means. If it is not an enthusiastic yes, it's a no.

I'll say that again - if it's not an enthusiastic yes, it's a no. Every.single.time. And either party can say no at any point. 

So much we need to teach our sons, too. About what it's like to grow up as a girl in this culture, and what that means for them as boyfriends and husbands (and brothers, dads, and friends.) That the media is telling them wrong - girls don't want to be pinned down and held to their lockers and kissed, even if it was in the movie you saw last week. 

I don't have all the answers, and I won't pretend to. What do we do about sexual harassment in the workplace, which is SO common? It was so common one place I worked, I didn't even realize what it was until I left...all part of being a woman, I thought. 

NO.

But how do we make changes there? When the offending party is responsible for your promotion? 

How do we make changes in the church, where far too often women are taught to submit to their husbands? Where sometimes martial rape is dismissed offhand? 

How do we be proactive when raising our sons, knowing that society is teaching them the wrong things about consent and women and it's up to us to counteract that?

The only answer I have, and (obviously lol) this is my answer to a lot of things, is to start talking about it. Start, and then don't stop stalking about it. We have to make the changes, now, while the world is finally listening to what used to be our silent cries.

We heard you, Donald Trump. We heard you too, Bill Clinton. And Brock Turner. We have heard, seen, felt and been hurt by you our whole lives. You didn't stop. You didn't stop when you weren't sure if we wanted it, you didn't stop when you thought it was a flattering us, you didn't stop bragging about it, you didn't stop when we said no. 

And guess what? We aren't going to stop either. We won't stop talking, shouting, crying, and making changes...until you finally STOP.

*Nowhere near all of this. I am safe.