S'mores Life

Five, almost six years ago, I was exiting church after the service with steam coming from my ears. I was practically dragging a toddler, and carrying an infant in the Moby wrap, questioning if it was done right because a photographer had just told me it was wrapped wrong. Someone at church (I honestly can't remember who, which is good for both of us seeing as I work at this church now) said something to me along the lines of "Cherish every moment. It goes so fast." I had to walk away before I asked for her rose colored glasses and stomped all over them in the church entryway. I was a stay at home mom to two kids two and under, my now ex husband was working 4-6 weeks out of town (when I wasn't freaking out about his state of employment, or lack thereof), my nipples were raw from my little nursling being attached to me every 1.5-2 hours round the clock, my toddler had just tried to bite her friend on a recent playdate, my entire body felt foreign and achey and ...

Dear Second Child, I'm not sorry that I'm just now completing the photo book from the year I was pregnant with you, and haven't even begun your baby photo book. You turn five in less than four months. I'm not sorry that your older sister had her newborn pictures professionally printed within two weeks of her birth, and I just now ordered pictures to fill your "Baby every month" frame. I'm not sorry that in your sister's baby book, I marked the date for every new tooth, and she has a special compartment for hair from her first haircut. All I have for you is the statement I told the dentist "I don't know, she was a late teether because I remember being glad I only worried about being bit while nursing for a few months. I think she 11 months when she got her first tooth?" And I found a baggie with hair I'd saved from when I trimmed your bangs for the first time recently, but when I reached in and my hand unexpectedly came into cont...

Names have been changed to protect the innocent...and the not-so-innocent. ********************************************************************************* "Mommy, I have a HUGE crush on David." Where did she learn that word? "What makes you have a crush on him?" I inquired. "Because he's so handsome and he likes to play with me." He's good looking. He likes me. "Is he kind to you? Is he kind to other people? Does he make you laugh?" "Yes, he's nice to me and he's nice to my friends. He makes the silliest faces and that makes me laugh!" She answered. "I'm glad you have a good friend in David. Those are good reasons to like somebody." ********************************************************************************* "You should ask Daddy for help because he's a good worker. And you're a good cooker." Don't ask for his help. Show her you can do it on your own....

On this Mother's Day, I am grateful. I am grateful for my mom, who spent countless volunteer hours in my classrooms, driving on field trips, as a Sunday School teacher, and a Birchwood counselor. I am thankful that through difficult financial times, she was there when we got home from school even when she wondered if she should be out working instead. I am grateful that she understands that not all women have that choice, or choose differently. I am thankful that when our relationship was at its peak of turmoil and anger, she still reminded me I could take a day off school to go shopping and get my nails done with her, if I wanted...even though my type A personality would never allow myself to take a day off school "for no good reason." I am thankful for my grandmother, who raised two boys and relished having a granddaughter and a girl to sew for, for the first time. She now has another granddaughter and three great-granddaughters and I don't believe would ever ha...

If you haven't unfollowed me on social media by now, you're probably aware that I'm well into the 365 Grateful project right now. 324 days in, to be exact. I take a picture a day of something I'm grateful for. I post daily to instagram, and anywhere from 1-10 photos at a time to Facebook. And I'm done. You're likely wondering why. I'm SO close. It's a cool thing, to look back on a picture from every day of this year, and if I kept it up I could make a whole photo book of our year. Even as I type this, I'm wondering if I'm making a mistake. I started this project after a really, really rough 2015 . I thought it would give me something positive to focus on, remember small things to be grateful for, and try and be a glass half full kinda gal. The thing that I've learned is, there are a lot of things that I do struggle with, but being grateful is not one of them. I'm grateful for so many things. Even after the last few difficult years, ...

I am writing this on October 16, 2016. I am purposefully waiting until the election season is over to post this, because I don't want it to get mixed up in the screwed up world of politics. This may be a hot topic right now, but it is an important one.  Rape culture. In a strange way, I'm grateful that the world heard Trump's sick words about sexual assault. He represents a culture, that has little to nothing to do with American politics (I know just as bad has been said and done within the Democratic Party too), that women have known about all along. But his comments getting blown into the media are forcing us to finally talk about it. People want to know why his accusers didn't come forward before the election. Well, first off, BECAUSE YOU'RE ASKING THAT QUESTION. It's also for the same reasons a great deal of us haven't been vocal about this issue or our own experiences with sexual harassment or assault. What if they think I'm crazy? ...

If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you’re a parent of small children, or you once were and can look back on these years with rose colored glasses (I’m jealous, when can I get me some of those?!) and so you know exactly what I’m talking about when I say that I’m constantly answering questions. Constantly. Sometimes I even have the answer to those questions. “Mom, are you peeing or pooping?” Always in a public restroom…Always. “What are you eating?” “Why do you like coffee?” BECAUSE SURVIVAL, KID. “Mom, how did I get out of your belly?”  “Will I see Meme again in Heaven?” “When you met Daddy, was I already in your belly?” “Where does God live? I know in our hearts, but where can I see Him?” Always at bedtime…what is it about bedtime that turns our little ones into theologians and philosophers?! And then,  sometimes  a lot of times, I don’t have the answers. “What do hyenas eat?” Thank God for google. “How ...

I've been having lots of these mom moments lately. Not the cutesy ones with the perfect memories with my kids. I actually have been having lots of those lately too, which is nice because it makes the crazy mom moments not as hard. It's a lot more difficult to be mad at my 2 year old when she poops on my hand when its after she's made me laugh hysterically rather than after she's stayed awake and hyper on a cross country flight. But those moments where you wonder if this is all you are anymore...a mom. And when I say it like that, it sounds bad, right? Because being a parent is THE most important job in the world, and incredible, and a gift...which makes you then feel guilty (MOM GUILT IS THE MOST REAL THING EVER IN LIFE, EVER) for questioning it. But.  The other day I was folding laundry and I realized the nicest and sexiest underwear I own are my new Thinx PERIOD PANTIES. Period fucking panties. I mean yeah, there's lace on them and they're black. They do...

I'm grateful for my maternal anxiety and OCD. There are words I never thought I'd say. I'm doing the 365 grateful project on Instagram and Facebook, but decided today's grateful picture and post needed a whole blog posting. I'm not known for being long winded or anything. ;) Anxiety presents itself a little differently in each sufferer. It preys on your deepest, darkest fears and insecurities. So what does that look like for me? The worst thing I can imagine is someone hurting my kids, me not being able to protect them from that, or something happening to me that leaves me incapable of caring for them...so anything that falls into those categories (and it can morph and change) has the potential to trigger a panic attack for me. I'll have an intrusive thought ("what if I have a mental breakdown and can no longer care for my kids?" "___ looked at my kid funny. What was that about?" And my brain latches onto it. This is where the OCD part ki...

...as the parent of two girls. Sometimes I think that parents of boys think that parents of (only) girls got out of some of the gross and weird stuff that comes along with having kids. Maybe it's just my kids, but girls are gross and weird, too. It's probably their genetics and heritage (hi, yeah, the other day I burped while discussing poop consistency with someone I haven't known very long) but my "girly girls" gross me out all the time. Things I Never Expected to Hear, Say, See, or Do as a Parent of Two Girls: I didn't expect to clean pee off of my daughter's face. Her own pee. There's a story there that later in life I'm sure she'd kill me for putting on the internet. I never expected to be discussing private parts this much. Yeah, I get from an anatomy and safety perspective, parents and kids talk about this stuff (or should.) However, I did not expect my then 3 year old to name about 20 people in our life and ask if each one had a p...

Nine months and my entire second pregnancy of six weeks away, two weeks home. A year of four weeks on, two weeks off . (The "best" year of this job.) Nine weeks of "Oh you're coming back in a week. No, never mind. Ok you're coming back in two weeks. No, never mind..." Eight months of anywhere from four to six weeks on, averaging one week off. No consistent schedule. Alternating between gratefulness for the opportunity and the ability to move our family back to Alaska, and (probably irrational) pure hatred of the slope, everything it stood for, and what I felt "it" was doing to our family. But I knew, deep down, it wasn't doing anything to our family. Maybe some families are strong enough for that lifestyle. In fact, I know a lot of thriving slope families. Our was not one of them. For everyone who thinks that the money is "so good" on the slope, I have a couple thoughts for you. First off, he isn't paid when he's hom...

I'm guilty of it to some extent. You're probably guilty of it too. Our families, church folk, teachers, friends, and Lord knows the ladies at the grocery store are guilty of it too. Everyone means well, but can we just stop and think about the load of crap  parenting advice that we dole out? It starts the moment you announce your pregnancy and ends...well, probably never. If you find out the sex of the baby you'll be able to plan, prepare any older siblings, and it's still a surprise no matter what! There's nothing like that moment when you've given birth and the doctor or your partner announces the sex! Don't find out! (Side note: Totally guilty of this advice. There really isn't anything like that moment!!) Get the 1st tri screening done. It will help prepare you emotionally if there's something wrong, and if not, then you'll be able to relax some. Are you going to terminate the pregnancy if something's wrong? Then what's the poi...

Since I wrote Clara Hope's birth story six months after her birth, it wasn't quite as fresh in my mind. I'm hoping starting this two weeks after Haddie's birth might help me include some more details since as we all know, pregnancy brain doesn't disappear once the baby is born. We have mom brains now and details literally just slip out of it. I'm not sure exactly how, but I know there must be a very scientific explanation for it. ;) Also, here are my thoughts after Clara's birth story was written on what I would like to do the same or differently with my second child's birth. Obviously, we decided on a natural birth center birth with midwives. This is a picture of me at 39 weeks, on Friday, December 6. We went to the Imaginarium with Clara that morning. I sat on a bench and watched Ian and her play half the time because I was just so.dang.tired. I'm wearing the same dress in my 9 months pregnant picture with Clara. I was much more swollen wit...