If you would have told me...

If someone told me eight years ago on May 24, 2008 that Ian and I would be spending our eight year wedding anniversary him working, and me traveling with our two kids from our home in Alaska to Maryland to celebrate my youngest brother's wedding, I would have smiled. I would have said "Yes, that sounds right. Back living in Alaska, two kids, Ian working and me a stay at home mom." On paper, everything we planned for. On paper, everything I wanted.

If someone had told me I actually wouldn't have trouble having children (as I was initially told by my doctor), I would have cried tears of joy. I would have asked this prophetic messenger questions about the kids. How old, their names, did they get Ian's eyes, did they get my skin, did they get his athleticism, did they get my hair? What about their personalities? If I was told that Clara inherited my sensitive and empathetic nature, but Ian's creativity and artistic ability, I would have beamed. If someone told me that Haddie got my sense of humor, and Ian's quirkiness, I would have been overjoyed. I would have nodded when I was told that Clara got my tendency to worry and Haddie got my hot head. If someone had said "And they are both stubborn and hard headed, like both you and Ian." I would have agreed. Wait a minute. What? Ian's not hard headed and stubborn, I would have thought. I've spent the last four years dating him, I would know by now.

So much I thought I knew at 22. They could have reminded me that your brains aren't even fully formed until 25 and I would have said, sure, but how much difference can three years make? I want to be married. I want kids. I want the white picket fence and the soccer mom van.

And if they continued and said, you will worry every day that they'll inherit his ADHD and your OCD, I would have said...Hold on! So he does have ADHD? How will that affect our marriage? And my tendency to fixate on worst case scenarios and seemingly inability to stop worrying is OCD? I don't even make my bed in the morning; I can't have OCD!

If they told me I would suffer from post partum depression and severe post partum anxiety, I may have been disappointed but I would have believed them. If they'd gone on and said the depression was triggered by your inability to breastfeed your eldest, I wouldn't have believed them. I would have said "As long as you work hard enough, it's possible."

I went into our marriage with the same thought, eight years ago. "As long as you work hard enough..." What if I was told that I would start to wonder when it wouldn't be just work? What if they told me that there are some things you can't prepare for? Some things that require emotional, intrinsic work that you'll be reluctant to do? Some things that require the same of your partner, and you won't be sure you trust them to do the same?

I would have said that Ian and I had our issues but I could trust him. And they would have responded "your trust in him will be tested, more than once. It will be broken, more than once."

Would I have hesitated to start painting that white picket fence?

If eight years ago, I was told that I would inadvertently hurt him, I would bring him into my worst fears and anxiety and pain and take it all out on him, I wouldn't have words to respond.

If someone told me that my views on marriage, the world, raising children, faith, God, and life could change drastically, more than once, between now and my 30th birthday, what would I think?

I would have said that Ian and I would grow together, because we were both determined to do so. And then I would have been told that I was too young and naive to fully understand what that even meant. "But I want it to work! It's a choice!" Would I have then been told I would question that choice? Some days more than ever?

If they had said that marriage would rub both of us raw, into better and more self aware people, I would have breathed a sigh of relief. But I wouldn't have thought about the damage we may do to each other and our relationship in the process. I wouldn't have considered that once we get to the other side of some of that hard work, that we would still have some doubt, pain, and questions.

If eight years ago I was told that I had amazing kids with the amazing man that I was choosing to marry, I'd nod enthusiastically. If they said that we would struggle to be good parents, both carrying baggage from our own childhoods, I would nod sadly. If I was told that most days we did a great job, I would be comforted by that.

If I was told there'd often be days I believed we'd be better parents apart, I would have called the messenger a liar. And then they'd remind me of all the views I was set on, and how much they may change. If I'd known if watch friends go through painful divorces, friends unable to have their loving relationships recognized, and that I would learn to not judge as harshly families and their choices...

If I knew then what I know now...would I have made those vows? Does anyone know how much their marriage or lives could be rocked?

I'm grateful that we don't have a seeing eye glass in our lives. That we don't have messengers warning us "danger ahead", because if we did, how could any of us go on? How could we ever make a decision or live our lives?

Because if we did...

Happy Anniversary, Ian. We aren't where either of us expected in reality, but in many ways we are. I'm grateful for you and the children we are raising together. We don't know where we'll be in the future, but I'm glad for where I am today. I am learning to just have to be ok, today, and worry about where tomorrow takes us later.

*disclaimer: I always ask Ian to read my posts before I publish them. I would never post anything he's uncomfortable with.