S'mores Life

Five, almost six years ago, I was exiting church after the service with steam coming from my ears. I was practically dragging a toddler, and carrying an infant in the Moby wrap, questioning if it was done right because a photographer had just told me it was wrapped wrong. Someone at church (I honestly can't remember who, which is good for both of us seeing as I work at this church now) said something to me along the lines of "Cherish every moment. It goes so fast." I had to walk away before I asked for her rose colored glasses and stomped all over them in the church entryway. I was a stay at home mom to two kids two and under, my now ex husband was working 4-6 weeks out of town (when I wasn't freaking out about his state of employment, or lack thereof), my nipples were raw from my little nursling being attached to me every 1.5-2 hours round the clock, my toddler had just tried to bite her friend on a recent playdate, my entire body felt foreign and achey and ...

Dear Second Child, I'm not sorry that I'm just now completing the photo book from the year I was pregnant with you, and haven't even begun your baby photo book. You turn five in less than four months. I'm not sorry that your older sister had her newborn pictures professionally printed within two weeks of her birth, and I just now ordered pictures to fill your "Baby every month" frame. I'm not sorry that in your sister's baby book, I marked the date for every new tooth, and she has a special compartment for hair from her first haircut. All I have for you is the statement I told the dentist "I don't know, she was a late teether because I remember being glad I only worried about being bit while nursing for a few months. I think she 11 months when she got her first tooth?" And I found a baggie with hair I'd saved from when I trimmed your bangs for the first time recently, but when I reached in and my hand unexpectedly came into cont...

Names have been changed to protect the innocent...and the not-so-innocent. ********************************************************************************* "Mommy, I have a HUGE crush on David." Where did she learn that word? "What makes you have a crush on him?" I inquired. "Because he's so handsome and he likes to play with me." He's good looking. He likes me. "Is he kind to you? Is he kind to other people? Does he make you laugh?" "Yes, he's nice to me and he's nice to my friends. He makes the silliest faces and that makes me laugh!" She answered. "I'm glad you have a good friend in David. Those are good reasons to like somebody." ********************************************************************************* "You should ask Daddy for help because he's a good worker. And you're a good cooker." Don't ask for his help. Show her you can do it on your own....

On this Mother's Day, I am grateful. I am grateful for my mom, who spent countless volunteer hours in my classrooms, driving on field trips, as a Sunday School teacher, and a Birchwood counselor. I am thankful that through difficult financial times, she was there when we got home from school even when she wondered if she should be out working instead. I am grateful that she understands that not all women have that choice, or choose differently. I am thankful that when our relationship was at its peak of turmoil and anger, she still reminded me I could take a day off school to go shopping and get my nails done with her, if I wanted...even though my type A personality would never allow myself to take a day off school "for no good reason." I am thankful for my grandmother, who raised two boys and relished having a granddaughter and a girl to sew for, for the first time. She now has another granddaughter and three great-granddaughters and I don't believe would ever ha...

About a year ago, I published Our REAL Christmas Letter for 2015 . I shared a lot of things; I was brutally honest about the fact that we were struggling in our marriage, I was mentally struggling a lot, and we had a lot of difficult parenting moments in 2015. I shared joyous moments too of course, but 2015 was a hard year. For most of us, 2016 has not been any easier, but I look back on that letter from one year ago and see it as the starting point for me being honest about my real life on social media, blogging, and in person. Some of you know me well and know that I've never shied away from being honest, sometimes blunt, and sometimes to a fault. There is something different, however, about being real. True. Authentic. Raw. The response both online and in person, to that letter, was staggering. I still have people tell me how much they appreciate how brave I was. To be frank, I feel like my reasons for honesty were far more selfish than brave. Sure, it was nice that other peop...

Laura Reeve Photography I was going through my blog posts the other day, and stumbled upon this post about being a mom of two  and how it was all okay despite my fears, and I was reassured of that fact because of a sweet moment between my two girls. I guess it came at the exact right time, because right now in this season of motherhood? I'm tired. I'm burnt out. I'm cranky. I'm not handling things well. I'm beating myself up for every mistake. I'm yelling too much. I'm overwhelmed. My kids are cranky, tired, misbehaving, testing boundaries, being kids and some days I just think...how does anyone do this, well? It's easy to become a parent (if you're lucky), its relatively easy to keep them alive (much easier now that Haddie has glasses and isn't falling and running into things all the time...here I thought she just inherited my gracefulness) but it's so freaking hard to parent them well. It's a lot of pressure. I'm feeling jud...

I've been having lots of these mom moments lately. Not the cutesy ones with the perfect memories with my kids. I actually have been having lots of those lately too, which is nice because it makes the crazy mom moments not as hard. It's a lot more difficult to be mad at my 2 year old when she poops on my hand when its after she's made me laugh hysterically rather than after she's stayed awake and hyper on a cross country flight. But those moments where you wonder if this is all you are anymore...a mom. And when I say it like that, it sounds bad, right? Because being a parent is THE most important job in the world, and incredible, and a gift...which makes you then feel guilty (MOM GUILT IS THE MOST REAL THING EVER IN LIFE, EVER) for questioning it. But.  The other day I was folding laundry and I realized the nicest and sexiest underwear I own are my new Thinx PERIOD PANTIES. Period fucking panties. I mean yeah, there's lace on them and they're black. They do...

Dear Monica, You may not remember me, but I will never forget you. As excited and expectant new parents, we took the advice of many friends and interviewed and hired Dr. Gvozden in 2011. On August 14, 2011 our first daughter, Clara Hope, was born. Dr. Gvozden was out of town so we saw another doctor in the hospital. Clara and I were having breastfeeding difficulties, but I had done a ton of research and was very reassured by the nurses, Doctor, and lactation consultant that while we were off to a rough start, things were on track. When she was 4 days old, Kim Knight IBCLC came to our house per my request as I wanted to be assured we were doing all we could to make this work and have Clara thrive. I knew between my PCOS, her tongue tie, and the use of a nipple shield that we had an uphill battle so I wanted as much support in place as possible. Kim and I made a plan, she watched me nurse Clara and told me she had never seen a new mom so comfortable nursing - I was lounging and walki...

I'm grateful for my maternal anxiety and OCD. There are words I never thought I'd say. I'm doing the 365 grateful project on Instagram and Facebook, but decided today's grateful picture and post needed a whole blog posting. I'm not known for being long winded or anything. ;) Anxiety presents itself a little differently in each sufferer. It preys on your deepest, darkest fears and insecurities. So what does that look like for me? The worst thing I can imagine is someone hurting my kids, me not being able to protect them from that, or something happening to me that leaves me incapable of caring for them...so anything that falls into those categories (and it can morph and change) has the potential to trigger a panic attack for me. I'll have an intrusive thought ("what if I have a mental breakdown and can no longer care for my kids?" "___ looked at my kid funny. What was that about?" And my brain latches onto it. This is where the OCD part ki...

Nine months and my entire second pregnancy of six weeks away, two weeks home. A year of four weeks on, two weeks off . (The "best" year of this job.) Nine weeks of "Oh you're coming back in a week. No, never mind. Ok you're coming back in two weeks. No, never mind..." Eight months of anywhere from four to six weeks on, averaging one week off. No consistent schedule. Alternating between gratefulness for the opportunity and the ability to move our family back to Alaska, and (probably irrational) pure hatred of the slope, everything it stood for, and what I felt "it" was doing to our family. But I knew, deep down, it wasn't doing anything to our family. Maybe some families are strong enough for that lifestyle. In fact, I know a lot of thriving slope families. Our was not one of them. For everyone who thinks that the money is "so good" on the slope, I have a couple thoughts for you. First off, he isn't paid when he's hom...

It's come up in discussions around me a lot lately, whether it's in church classes or just with friends. Christmas letters. And our tendency to brag, show pride, or gloss over the reality of our lives. Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE Christmas letters and cards. I wish more people sent them, I love reading them, and I love writing them. I also try to be "real" when I write them...this year, instead of a typical letter, I decided to put our top quotes of 2015. Hence, why the words "vagina," "wine," and "poop" (twice!) are on our Christmas card this year. I don't try to sugar coat our lives or our reality in real life, and I try to be pretty honest online too. However, reading this brutally honest Christmas card  made me realize that I really was not being as honest about the brutal parts of our year as I could be. And yes, we want to be uplifting and positive and not complain or drag people down...also, as someone who suffers fr...

I'm guilty of it to some extent. You're probably guilty of it too. Our families, church folk, teachers, friends, and Lord knows the ladies at the grocery store are guilty of it too. Everyone means well, but can we just stop and think about the load of crap  parenting advice that we dole out? It starts the moment you announce your pregnancy and ends...well, probably never. If you find out the sex of the baby you'll be able to plan, prepare any older siblings, and it's still a surprise no matter what! There's nothing like that moment when you've given birth and the doctor or your partner announces the sex! Don't find out! (Side note: Totally guilty of this advice. There really isn't anything like that moment!!) Get the 1st tri screening done. It will help prepare you emotionally if there's something wrong, and if not, then you'll be able to relax some. Are you going to terminate the pregnancy if something's wrong? Then what's the poi...

Thoughts that Go Through a Mom's Mind on a Regular Basis Titling this blog post went something like this: Random Thoughts of a Stay at Home Mom .... Sloper's Wife .... Solo Parent ... Neurotic Mom ...Mom. What's that smell? Is that me? Please dear God, don't let it be me. I showered today. No, yesterday. I have had minimal sweating in the last 24 hours, and even relatively speaking that should be ok, right? No wait. Is that my kid ? OMG they're going to think I don't bathe them. Where are the damn baby wipes already? Is that normal? Is THAT normal? I'm telling myself it's normal whether it is or not. Maybe I should look it up...NO! No. Step away from google. WebMD is bad too. I should do more activities with them... ...omg could this game BE any more boring? I'm playing it wrong, huh? How am I playing it wrong when the game consists of you playing next to me while I sit here thinking about what all I could be doing and you bark at...

There is a blogger that I follow (Birth Without Fear)   who posts different women's "I Am Strong..." stories. The stories are inspiring and heart wrenching and beautiful. Tonight she posted that we could email ours to her, so I will be doing that, but I also wanted to share mine here. I am strong. You are strong. I am strong because... I am strong because I was told that I may not be able to have children and I would certainly need fertility treatment in order to get pregnant. I am strong because I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) at 18 after suffering for five years. I am strong because I gained and lost 50 pounds before deciding to try to get pregnant. I am strong because I started Metformin to help with my PCOS symptoms and even though it did help, it came at a price. I am strong because I was told by my well-meaning family members I would get pregnant easily "because I came from a big family" even though I knew they were wr...