I'm grateful for my OCD
I'm grateful for my maternal anxiety and OCD.
There are words I never thought I'd say. I'm doing the 365 grateful project on Instagram and Facebook, but decided today's grateful picture and post needed a whole blog posting. I'm not known for being long winded or anything. ;)
Anxiety presents itself a little differently in each sufferer. It preys on your deepest, darkest fears and insecurities. So what does that look like for me? The worst thing I can imagine is someone hurting my kids, me not being able to protect them from that, or something happening to me that leaves me incapable of caring for them...so anything that falls into those categories (and it can morph and change) has the potential to trigger a panic attack for me. I'll have an intrusive thought ("what if I have a mental breakdown and can no longer care for my kids?" "___ looked at my kid funny. What was that about?" And my brain latches onto it. This is where the OCD part kicks in. People make jokes about being "so OCD" or that it's all about cleanliness, and sometimes it is. It isn't for me. It's not the "compulsion" or behavior part for me either. It's the obsessions. My brain latches onto those intrusive thoughts and replays them over and over and over and tells me I need to analyze every situation or scenario, oh and when you're done here's 23 more reasons why you should worry about it. It's my own personal hell, being played out over and over and over.
And the real problem is, sometimes moms do have gut instincts about people or scenarios, and they do help you keep your kid safe. Sometimes the fear is real, most of the time (for me), it's not. So how do you tell the difference?
CONSTANT VIGILANCE (sorry, had to have one mad eye moody reference!)
You tell the difference by processing the fears. Anxiety is the opposite of instincts but sometimes they feel the exact same. And so by processing? I muddle through and sometimes give the fear more power.
And today I'm telling you, and myself, that I'm grateful for it.
It's been hell sometimes. During a panic attack when I feel like everything is foggy and I can't think straight, and all my worst fears are coming true...it's awful. But today, at over two years post partum (because hello HORMONES, did you know post partum anxiety is just as common as post partum depression?!) I have far more good days than bad. And I have learned to appreciate the good days so much. Anxiety is like the little devil on your shoulder, never fully going away, you know he will make his presence known soon enough, but if you can just turn to God on the other side more days than not...you'll be ok.
Because of my anxiety, I am more compassionate. More compassionate for all parents, my parents. People who get divorced without a "good reason" that is clear to the rest of us. More compassionate for anyone suffering from a mental illness, or what's sometimes worse - the people who love them. It's made me a more compassionate mom.
My anxiety has helped me create boundaries. That's not always fun, but they're necessary sometimes...and when you have a heart for other people and relationships, they're especially hard to implement...sometimes I think God used my anxiety to help push me to create hard but necessary boundaries.
My OCD and Ian's inability to cope with it nearly destroyed my marriage. Turns out when you have marriage issues, most of the time it's not just one of you contributing to it. (Hey, I only paid a therapist a shit ton of money to learn that.) Ian made a lot of mistakes in handling it, and a lot of mistakes as a husband and friend too. Those actions hurt me and continue to some days; he will admit that to anybody, and it wouldn't be fair not to acknowledge that. But my OCD...it was like this huge magnifying glass on all of our other issues. And yet, I'm grateful for it. We are both so much more self aware now. We have both grown so much. We are both better communicators. And it's my OCD and anxiety that forced that to happen.
If it weren't for my anxiety and OCD I wouldn't have joined a gym in order to have some "cheap" therapy, and therefore wouldn't have lost weight and been a lot healthier and happier.
On the bad days my anxiety makes me disconnected, angry, and impatient. Most days, now, it makes me sympathetic, empathetic, proactive, and a constant student in this thing called life. It makes me
lean on God more. I've learned coping skills, and those coping skills have become more than that;
they've given me new life. Exercise, church, time with friends, prayer, music. I no longer just enjoy those, I have learned I need to make them (and me) a priority - can I get an Amen from the other mamas out there?! ;)
So today, I'm grateful for my maternal anxiety and OCD. I don't believe God only gives us what we can handle, or that all things are a part of His plan...I think we have free will, shitty stuff happens, and there's a lot of evil in this world. Anxiety is one of those for me. It's one of the ugliest, most hard, crappy things I've been handed. But, like all of the ugly and the evil in this world, God can make it good.
There are words I never thought I'd say. I'm doing the 365 grateful project on Instagram and Facebook, but decided today's grateful picture and post needed a whole blog posting. I'm not known for being long winded or anything. ;)
Anxiety presents itself a little differently in each sufferer. It preys on your deepest, darkest fears and insecurities. So what does that look like for me? The worst thing I can imagine is someone hurting my kids, me not being able to protect them from that, or something happening to me that leaves me incapable of caring for them...so anything that falls into those categories (and it can morph and change) has the potential to trigger a panic attack for me. I'll have an intrusive thought ("what if I have a mental breakdown and can no longer care for my kids?" "___ looked at my kid funny. What was that about?" And my brain latches onto it. This is where the OCD part kicks in. People make jokes about being "so OCD" or that it's all about cleanliness, and sometimes it is. It isn't for me. It's not the "compulsion" or behavior part for me either. It's the obsessions. My brain latches onto those intrusive thoughts and replays them over and over and over and tells me I need to analyze every situation or scenario, oh and when you're done here's 23 more reasons why you should worry about it. It's my own personal hell, being played out over and over and over.
And the real problem is, sometimes moms do have gut instincts about people or scenarios, and they do help you keep your kid safe. Sometimes the fear is real, most of the time (for me), it's not. So how do you tell the difference?
CONSTANT VIGILANCE (sorry, had to have one mad eye moody reference!)
You tell the difference by processing the fears. Anxiety is the opposite of instincts but sometimes they feel the exact same. And so by processing? I muddle through and sometimes give the fear more power.
And today I'm telling you, and myself, that I'm grateful for it.
It's been hell sometimes. During a panic attack when I feel like everything is foggy and I can't think straight, and all my worst fears are coming true...it's awful. But today, at over two years post partum (because hello HORMONES, did you know post partum anxiety is just as common as post partum depression?!) I have far more good days than bad. And I have learned to appreciate the good days so much. Anxiety is like the little devil on your shoulder, never fully going away, you know he will make his presence known soon enough, but if you can just turn to God on the other side more days than not...you'll be ok.
Because of my anxiety, I am more compassionate. More compassionate for all parents, my parents. People who get divorced without a "good reason" that is clear to the rest of us. More compassionate for anyone suffering from a mental illness, or what's sometimes worse - the people who love them. It's made me a more compassionate mom.
My anxiety has helped me create boundaries. That's not always fun, but they're necessary sometimes...and when you have a heart for other people and relationships, they're especially hard to implement...sometimes I think God used my anxiety to help push me to create hard but necessary boundaries.
My OCD and Ian's inability to cope with it nearly destroyed my marriage. Turns out when you have marriage issues, most of the time it's not just one of you contributing to it. (Hey, I only paid a therapist a shit ton of money to learn that.) Ian made a lot of mistakes in handling it, and a lot of mistakes as a husband and friend too. Those actions hurt me and continue to some days; he will admit that to anybody, and it wouldn't be fair not to acknowledge that. But my OCD...it was like this huge magnifying glass on all of our other issues. And yet, I'm grateful for it. We are both so much more self aware now. We have both grown so much. We are both better communicators. And it's my OCD and anxiety that forced that to happen.
If it weren't for my anxiety and OCD I wouldn't have joined a gym in order to have some "cheap" therapy, and therefore wouldn't have lost weight and been a lot healthier and happier.
On the bad days my anxiety makes me disconnected, angry, and impatient. Most days, now, it makes me sympathetic, empathetic, proactive, and a constant student in this thing called life. It makes me
lean on God more. I've learned coping skills, and those coping skills have become more than that;
they've given me new life. Exercise, church, time with friends, prayer, music. I no longer just enjoy those, I have learned I need to make them (and me) a priority - can I get an Amen from the other mamas out there?! ;)
So today, I'm grateful for my maternal anxiety and OCD. I don't believe God only gives us what we can handle, or that all things are a part of His plan...I think we have free will, shitty stuff happens, and there's a lot of evil in this world. Anxiety is one of those for me. It's one of the ugliest, most hard, crappy things I've been handed. But, like all of the ugly and the evil in this world, God can make it good.
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