Our Breastfeeding and Postpartum Experience

I apologize in advance for the number of typos that are probably in here...it's taking forever to proofread so I'm hitting post long before I probably should. :)

I am nervous to write this. I am nervous to post this. This will probably take me a few sessions to write, just because it's so long, detailed, and emotional. And awhile ago, like Clara's Birth Story, I should have written it earlier...but it has taken a lot of reflection to get to where I'm at now. I would like to be asked for grace, understanding, and not be judged for what I am about to write and for posting it. I may be sharing it with the world, but it's a very personal story. I know some will wonder what the big deal is, some will judge me for some of the choices I made, and some will think I'm over-analyzing things. But someone, one woman, maybe two or three, will understand my journey and appreciate knowing someone else went through something similar. So after writing this for myself, I am writing this for her too.

Breastfeeding Background:


My mom BF me and my three younger siblings. I watched her nurse all of them more times than I can count, so seeing a woman BF was not a big deal to me. It was and is normal. She nursed my two youngest siblings far longer than society seems to think is acceptable. I was young and embarrassed about it at the time (being 16 when my sister was born, 18 when she weaned her) but now I think my mom is a rock star. Before and during my pregnancy, there was not a doubt in my mind that I would BF. I went to a BF class at the hospital, I talked to other nursing moms, I researched BF on the internet, read books on newborns and BF, bought a breast pump, decided on what lactation consultant I'd hire for help afterwards, and got my husband on board and supportive. I also judged most (not all, but most) women who chose not to BF. I did not buy any formula or research formula feeding. I knew to expect pain, tears (on both of our parts), hard work and dedication. I knew it was going to be hard. I also have PCOS. From my research I learned that one-third of women w/ PCOS have no supply problems, one-third struggle with over-supply, and one-third struggle with low supply. But I was going to BF. No matter what.

45 Minutes Old:


I asked my shitty nurse Cathy (see Clara's Birth Story) if I could try to nurse Clara. I tried and Clara screamed and kind of head bobbed my boob, but wouldn't put her mouth anywhere near my nipple. She wouldn't even think about latching on. I looked to Cathy for help and she said "Sometimes babies with meconium taken out of their lungs have a hard time at first. They experienced trauma in the throat/mouth and aren't likely to latch on right away. You can try again later."

The First 12 Hours:


I continued to try and nurse Clara often. She would kind of suck for about two seconds and then fall asleep on my boob. She'd wake up screaming, I'd try to latch her on, she wouldn't. The most help I got from a nurse was "Don't worry, they aren't born hungry. They only need a little bit of colostrum for their bellies." I seemed to have an awesome supply of colostrum and so my fears about low supply were not as great, if only I could get Clara to latch. I requested for a lactation consultant (LC) to visit my room. They said it'd probably be the next day

Day 1, 6:00 a.m. (15 Hours Old):


A nurse asked me how it was going and I filled her in. She asked if she could help and I said "YES!" What I noticed is that every nurse wanted to try a different position, with different pillows, etc. She watched and tried and tried to get Clara to latch. You could tell she wanted to, she'd put her mouth on my nipple but not know what to do. The nurse said "normally I leave handing out nipple shields to LCs, but you can tell it's right there in her mouth, she just needs a little help latching on completely." So we tried a nipple shield and viola! She latched on and nursed for about 15 minutes before falling asleep. I realized then that I had not researched nipple shields very much at all, most of my research was concerning upping a low supply and pumping/returning to work...I knew certain things about bad latch/good latch for newborns, but not a lot.

Day 1, afternoon (23 hours old):


The first LC came to check on me. She helped me get Clara latched on (w/ the help of a nipple shield) and Clara nursed for 45 minutes. Before that she had only nursed for a few minutes before falling asleep.

A nurse asked to see my sheet of how well Clara was pooping/peeing. No one ever gave me a sheet. I had to fumble and try to remember how often she had nursed each side and peed/pooped in my sleep deprived state since she had been born. I started filling out the sheet again. It listed how often we should see her pee and poop for the first week, and what color her poop should be. Never thought I'd be *so* interested in someone else's poop in my life! ;)

Day 2, Tuesday morning:


Our pediatrician was on vacation, so his sub, Dr. S came to check on Clara. (He had the day before too). Said she looked great, and that as soon as my milk came in I didn't have to continue to wake her every 2-3 hours to eat. I said "Even during the day?" And he said "Yep, she'll wake up if she's hungry." I've learned that is since not the case all the time, sometimes they sleep and sleep.

Another LC came to see me. She wanted to watch Clara nurse but Clara was sooo drowsy and sleepy we could hardly wake her up to do so. The LC told me nipple shields could affect my supply and I should try to pump when I got home to stimulate my supply to make up for the shield. I told her I was afraid of low supply because of PCOS as it was and she said it looked like I had "an abundance of colostrum" so I shouldn't be concerned. I asked her if I could have an over-supply and she said possibly but we won't know at this point. Clara weighed 8lb 1oz, down from 8lb 8oz at birth. The nurse said that was just fine. I left the hospital a little nervous about the shield/supply, but overall feeling ok because I knew I was going to contact Kim, the LC I took a class from and had friends who adored.

During discharge, I was really weepy. Not sad or angry or frustrated, just weepy and crying for no reason. I knew that this could be normal for a little bit after delivery, and since I wasn't feeling "bad" I felt like this was probably normal. Once home, I continued to nurse Clara whenever she made a peep, or every 2 hours during the day. I remember crying in bed one night while she screamed and I tried to get her to latch on, she'd fall asleep on the boob and wake up crying and it'd start over.

Day 4, Thursday morning:


Kim came over. I told her I thought my milk had come in the night before/this morning, but that I wasn't engorged at all. I also couldn't feel a let-down. She said that some moms don't feel one, and lack of engorgement normally just means I am feeding enough. Kim checked out Clara and said it looked like she might have a tongue tie (frenulum), which is actually something one of the LC's in the hospital mentioned too. Her frenulum was so tight it was making it hard for her to latch properly, hence why she couldn't latch until we used the shield. I had friends whose children had this issue so I knew it was not uncommon, plus I'd read about it in my research. Kim gave me the name and number of a really great ENT in Annapolis who could probably get me in right away to clip it. She said she was a little concerned that Clara hadn't pooped/peed much the day before but it looked like she was starting to make up for it today. We worked out a "plan of action" so to speak. She watched Clara latch on, gave me some advice from weaning from the shield, but Clara ate for 30 minutes on each side while she was there. She was concerned about my supply with PCOS and the shield, so I told her I'd start my Metformin (I was planning on it anyways) for PCOS and hopefully that would help my supply.. She told me to pump 3x/day on top of feeding Clara to stimulate more supply. She said that she'd never seen a first time mom so comfortable nursing a four day old, because I was walking around feeding her...She'd also said that I was the "picture of biological nursing" in my positioning with her. That gave me hope that maybe I was doing something right. I was nervous about the road ahead of us, but never doubted that I'd quit. I told her I had a pedi appointment in the afternoon, and who it was with. She said that our pedi wasn't known for being overly supportive of BF, but would not discourage it if there weren't any problems, and the nurse practitioner I was seeing (since the doctor was out of town) would be more likely to encourage seeing a lactation consultant. She commented on how Clara looked like she had *no* jaundice at all, which was a great sign, and that we'd only get concerned if it looked like she'd lost about a pound since her birth weight.

We took Clara to the pedi appointment. She weighed 7lb 13oz. She had lost 8% of her body weight since birth, and I had read 7-10% was normal at first for BF babies so I was not concerned. The NP, let's call her M, came in. She asked how often Clara had been eating and I looked at my sheet, M basically took it out of my hands and saw she'd been eating about every hour or two, which I knew to be pretty normal. She asked when Clara had last peed and I said 9:30am (it was 1:00 p.m.) but that was her fourth pee that day and the chart said at least one wet diaper for every day old she was. Looking back, I also think we may have missed writing down one or two wet diapers because we weren't counting every dirty diaper as wet too, and chances are she peed when she pooped. She also had a super wet diaper as soon as we got home, but of course M didn't know that. Clara was crying a lot but that's because I had popped her off the boob to weigh her, she was probably cold in just her diaper, and M didn't exactly have the angel's touch. M said her mouth was "so dry" and put water on her finger to wet Clara's tongue. She didn't ask many questions beyond commenting on Clara's dry mouth and asking about her peeing, and I volunteered information about seeing Kim, the nipple shield, and Clara's tongue tie. M said she did not have a tongue tie, and that condition was very rare. I told her I knew people whose children had it and once it was clipped they nursed very well. She disagreed. She also asked if her poop had turned yellow yet and I said no, that we'd seen one poop that looked like it might be on the way to yellow but not yet. This concerned her but I said I thought her poop wasn't supposed to turn yellow until later today or tomorrow anyways. She said "Ok, well she is behind where we'd like her to be. I think she is dehydrated since her mouth is dry and she has lost too much weight. I'd like you  to take some formula home and give her two ounces of formula after every nursing session. Take off your breast after 20 minutes to give her the formula. Actually, I think we should give her the formula now, let's see f I can find some nipples in the office to give it to her." And she walked out. I stared at Ian and tears were down my face. I said "I don't like her, I think she's wrong, I want to leave." He agreed wholeheartedly. When M walked back in she said "You're upset about this?" And I was in such shock I just nodded tearfully and said "Yes, I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude but I'd like to get a second opinion. I just saw the LC this morning and she said she looked fine. I didn't think her weight loss was that much, and don't you think her mouth could be dry because she was crying so hard?" M said "No, her mouth is dry because she is dehydrated. Look, I want you to be successful BF, I don't think formula is bad and you can still be successful and give her this formula." as she is getting the bottle ready. I said "I am worried about nipple confusion, among other things." I was so upset I wasn't able to voice my opinion about everything I'd read about formula actually making your supply worse, it was literally one of the worst things I could do at that point if I wanted to be successful BF. M said "I know LC like to go on about nipple confusion, but it's really not a big deal." And I said "I'm sorry, I won't be giving her that formula and I'll be getting a second opinion." She begged me to "at least take the formula home" and that I needed to come back the next day for a weight check. She asked if we "had help" and looked very concerned. I said "My parents live nearby if we need them, and we have a lot of people from church bringing us meals which is a huge help." Do I look like I need help? I thought to myself...M seriously looked distraught at me taking Clara home w/o feeding her the formula. This made me mad and so confused. Was I really starving my baby? My gut told me no, but it was hard to get to that feeling. I knew Kim knew what she was talking about. I made an appointment for the next morning just to get the heck out of there and called Kim crying on my way home.

Kim was shocked at how our appointment went. She helped me brainstorm new pediatricians first off, discussed our plan a little bit more, and comforted me. She told me Clara's mouth "didn't seem too terribly dry" to her. But I could tell she seemed a little worried too, and that scared me - was I really starving my baby? Now when I got the rare chance to sleep, I couldn't. I was so scared and worried, and just thinking back to those days brings tears to my eyes and a terrible feeling to my stomach. I wanted to do the best thing for my baby, and that was BF...wasn't it?

I posted my story to various message boards I had participated on and got overwhelming support from other BF mothers; I was doing the right thing. I think. Right? I also got more new pediatrician recommendations.

Day 5, Friday morning:


I called the pedi's office to cancel our appointment for the day, and told the woman on the phone that I was switching offices to someone who was more supportive of breastfeeding. She said that I was legally obliged to come in for a weight check that day. I didn't know if that was true or not, could they report me to Department of Children's Services for this, seriously?! Kim said no, they couldn't, but that I might as well go in to get her weighed since every scale was different and we'll want to keep a close eye on her weight from now on. Plus, while I'm on the phone Ian had given Clara a sponge bath and gotten her umbilical stump pretty wet, and I wanted to get that checked out anyways so I sucked it up and kept the appointment. Meanwhile, the woman on the phone, I don't know if she was a nurse or just a receptionist, named S, reiterated that Clara had a lot of issues (WTF?), we needed to check her weight and her output. I said she had been peeing/pooping right on track. She said "Well, there is more there, like the issue of her smelling like key tones." I asked what that was, M never mentioned that, and she said it's a sign of starving.  She asked if I had popped her off after 20 minutes of nursing. I said "No, because the more she is on my boobs the more she will stimulate supply. And she is too little to nurse that efficiently." She said "After 20 minutes, you don't have another let-down so she is just using you as a pacifier and you're going to get burnt out." I said "I think I get to be the one to make that judgement call, thank you." S didn't have much to say after that. I didn't mention that it's not true at all that you don't have a let down after 20 minutes, some women let down more than once and 20 minutes is not some magical number. I did have some fear and doubt as I thought this though, because I couldn't feel let-down. Maybe she was right? No, I knew she wasn't...but when I talked to Kim that morning she was concerned that Clara had eaten every hour. But I had put her on the boob anytime she made a peep because I was scared I was starving her! Of course I'd fed her every hour...and some of those times were only for 10 minutes, I'm pretty sure she was just comfort nursing.

We took Clara to the pedi appointment. She still weighed 7lb 13oz. No loss but no gain either. M came in and said Kim had called her. Bless that woman, seriously!!! She had basically called to discuss Clara and ask why M was so concerned and tell her why Kim wasn't concerned. M asked if Clara had put herself on more of a feeding "schedule". I lied and said yes. Seriously, what 5 day old is on a schedule? She checked Clara out, and Clara screamed bloody murder. M said "Wow, she sure can scream." I mumbled "Well, she was eating..." and M asked "Why did you say she's crying?" and I said "because I un-latched her." M asked to see Clara latch on so I stood up and latched her on, and M seemed really annoyed and concerned that I wasn't sitting down. Whatever. "Well, I'm still a little worried because her poop isn't yellow yet, but she seems to be doing better since she isn't eating as often. She is doing much better than yesterday." And I said "I don't think she was that far-off from ok yesterday." M said "I disagree. She smelt like key tones to me." I asked what that was and she didn't explain, I didn't ask and wish I did - "If that was so concerning to you yesterday, why didn't you mention it then?" M just all around seemed flustered around a newborn anyways. She told me to make an appointment for Wednesday for another weight check and wanted to make sure I was going to continue to see Kim. I made the appointment but later cancelled it (once I was sure we could get in w/ a new pedi) but still had fear that maybe I wasn't feeding Clara enough. I would have liked to see a gain. On the other hand, she was still only 5 days old and my milk was still starting to come in.

I called Kim to fill her in and thank her, she said to call her tomorrow to keep her updated and see if Clara's poop had turned yellow yet. We took Clara to the ENT and had her tongue tie clipped. He was incredible, by the way, if anyone in Annapolis needs a rec. He reassured me that we were doing the right thing, it was *very* common and could later lead to speech problems.

Day 6, Saturday:


I could tell I had a lot more milk coming in. Not sure if it was the Metformin I started yesterday or clipping Clara's tongue tie so she could better latch. I was still sick with worry though. I cried at the drop of a hat and just held her, wondering if I was really starving her. Her poop was still green, it should have turned yellow by now. At the hospital I felt weepy, but this was different. I was just sad and sick and nervous. In my gut, I didn't think I was starving her. But what if I was wrong?

Saturday evening, my family all got texts "We have yellow poop!!!" and I e-mailed Kim the same thing. :)

Day 7, Sunday:


I talked to Kim. Apparently she had run into M at a local sporting event for their kids. M expressed how concerned she was for Clara, and how concerned she was at how "tearful" I was in her office. Kim and I both said to each other (and Kim to her) that I was four days postpartum so I might be a wee bit hormonal, and that moms who were very invested in BF would be easily upset at the thought of adding formula, especially so early on. Kim told her that when she saw us, she saw a baby who was latching and drinking, that we knew I might have supply problems due to my PCOS but we were working on that. After the conversation, I felt great about Kim but I still thought "A nurse practitioner is so concerned about what I'm doing to my baby that she's thinking about it on Saturday mornings? What if I'm really starving her?"

Clara would actually sleep for long stretches, but she'd cluster feed for a looooooong time before that. I think a lot of that (hindsight) was just not really knowing how to sleep, or get into a deep sleep, w/o nursing or being held. But this just scared me that I was starving her more, since she'd be on my boob for hours at a time.

Day 8, Monday:


I took her to our new pediatrician. Clara weighed 7lb 15oz. A 2oz weight gain since Friday! Wait, right? Kim said scales can fluctuate a lot. Maybe she hadn't gained at all, that nagging voice in the back of my head told me....

She was peeing and pooping right on track and the doctor said she looked great. She said she didn't need to see us back until one month! I wanted to kiss and question the doctor at the same time! LOL. I was thrilled but I also thought on my way home "Maybe if I'd told her more about all our problems leading up to this, she would have checked Clara out even more and found something wrong..." but I held back because I was so worried and defensive of our BF relationship, I didn't want anyone or anything else to threaten it.

I started to try to pump as often as I could to stimulate supply, but it was hard to do since Clara was on the breast so often and I was exhausted. Once I got an ounce after only five minutes and right after Clara was feeding! I thought "Great, supply is not a problem!" but then Clara wanted to eat so soon after I thought "Maybe she didn't get anything during that initial feed, and that's why I got so much pumping..." and I started worrying all over again.

2 weeks old:


Since the doctor didn't want to see us until 4 weeks, Kim and I agreed another weight check would be a good idea. I came into her office. Clara weighed 8lb 3oz. This was ok. It was a little on the low side for weight gain for over a week, but they were also different scales. Normally babies should be back to birth weight by two weeks. We did a weighed feeding and found out she was taking in about 1.5oz per feeding. That was *just* enough if I fed her 12x/day. I told Kim it was hard to count how many separate feedings there were because they were all running into each other. She cluster fed so often, it was like she'd eat for four hours straight and then sleep for four hours straight. Kim was surprised she'd sleep for that long at this young and so was I. I tried to wake her up every three hours to feed during the night and two during the day, but there were times I'd sleep through my alarm to do that and so would Clara. I actually started to notice she ate a lot better if it was on her terms. If I woke her up, she'd either not eat at all or eat *forever* it seemed...In reality I think that if I woke her up and she stayed latched on forever, it was because she was so overtired that's the only way she could sleep. But I again feared that she wasn't getting enough. We made an appointment for the next week for a weight check, and Kim told me to continue pumping and start fenugreek (milk supplement), as well as continuing to eat oatmeal which helps supply. She continued to encourage me to wean off the shield, but that seemed impossible to me. Clara screamed if I wasn't wearing it.

Every time my dad would call me he said I sounded down. I remember taking Clara to the park w/ Ian and my parents and crying the whole time because I just wanted to sleep while she slept, and she still had her days/nights mixed up. I was glad she had gained some but for how often she was eating, I felt like she could have and should have gained a lot more. I remembered reading that babies nursed a ton the first couple weeks, but it got better after 2-3 weeks so I was confident it'd be better this time next week.

I continued to try and pump but I wasn't getting very much and I started to really hate the pump. I had to clean the parts and store the milk and every time I pumped I wondered if I was doing a good thing by stimulating supply or doing a bad thing by "taking away" milk that Clara needed, especially if I had a low supply.

I continued to talk to Kim periodically. I asked her "Has there ever been a baby who peed and pooped on track and didn't gain weight adequately?" And she said "I've heard of it, but it's rare, I have never seen one." That made me feel better...until I wondered if that one baby who didn't gain was mine.

Clara had many nights when she just would not sleep at all. I knew it was normal to wake every couple hours, but to never go to bed? One night out of desperation I gave her a pacifier; I was trying to hold off until 4 weeks old. She fell instantly asleep.

3 Weeks Old:


I took Clara back to Kim's house. She weighed 8lb 11oz! Finally surpassed birth weight! YAY! I told Kim how Clara would only sleep on my chest or nursing and she said that was normal. I wasn't sure if that made me feel better or worse...maybe something isn't wrong, but is this how it's going to be, forever? Or at least until I go back to work?

On my way home I remembered that we had weighed Clara in a wet diaper, and had not the week before. Doubt started to creep in...how many ounces did that wet diaper weigh? Did that "count" against her weight? Had she not gained as much as we thought?

Clara nursed all the time by this point it seemed. There were days that I didn't get off the couch at all. I couldn't throw in a load of laundry, go pee, take the dog out or shower without her screaming. I thought it would start to even out a bit by now? Feedings every two hours, that would be amazing. I knew even counting the two hours at the start of the feed, we weren't getting that much time in between. I'd put her down to sleep and she'd start screaming right away or be up within 15 minutes. All my online research started to be my downfall now. All the other babies I'd read about ate every two hours at most. Even every one hour would be better. I continued to worry about her needing the shield and it's possible adverse effects. When Ian left for work I'd be on the couch nursing and when he got home, I'd be on the couch nursing. He bought me a kindle so I'd have something to read and to show his support. I had friends asking why they never saw me or Clara. I had other friends who were able to get out and about with their three day old, why wasn't I able to get out for more than 20 minutes with my three week old? I occasionally got out during the day, but by the times the evenings came I was too exhausted...I knew that was normal for a three week old, I had a newborn. But wait, more people commenting on how small Clara was. On how loud she cried. Wanting to hold her and her screaming until she could be nursed. Was something wrong? I was afraid to confide in Kim, or anyone, because I was afraid she'd tell me to "do" something else. Pump more. Do more breast compressions. Drink this tea. Do this or do that. All of those things are reasonable to do looking back, but at the time I didn't feel like I could possibly "do" any more. Even more scary to me was her or someone telling me, this *is* normal. This is how your life is going to be, at least for the next few months. How would I ever go back to work? How would I ever build a freezer stash? I was hardly pumping anything when I pumped, if I even go to the chance to do so. I was living my life in day or week increments, just waiting for the next weight check. If she had gained a ton, it would be ok. All would be ok. Right? Maybe something was wrong w/ me, not Clara. I cried all the time. But I loved Clara, I was happy and blessed. I had no reason to be sad. So why was I crying all the time? If I didn't feel better by next week, I told myself, I was calling the doctor about postpartum depression and going on anti-depressants. But were those BF safe? I didn't know and didn't want to look it up, because I was afraid they weren't. I just wanted to feel better.

4 Weeks Old:


Clara weighed 9lb 3oz. The doctor said she looked great. I told her I was thinking about supplementing with a bottle for my sanity. She said she was a huge supporter of supplementing for sanity. I called Kim on the way home and left her a message, thanking her for all her help and telling her we wouldn't still be nursing today if it weren't for her - all very true. I hung up and started crying. I remember reading on the message boards about BF "Never quit on a bad day." and thought to myself "What if they are all bad days?"

4.5 Weeks Old:


I talked to Ian about supplementing. I had told him when I was pregnant "No matter what, don't let me quit. Just tell me it will get better." God love him, he tried. I put him in an awful spot. He knew I was crying all the time and miserable and stressed and just wanted me to feel better. But he also wanted me to breastfeed Clara and didn't want me to have any regrets. I told him, she should have spaced out her feedings by now, something must be wrong. She cries so loud, I can't get her to sleep w/o nursing her for hours and hours. I gave Clara a bottle of breastmilk and formula. I cried the entire time. I felt like I was failing her. I put off calling my doctor about anti-depressants to see if I felt better if she wasn't nursing all the time.

5 Weeks Old:


More bottles were given. Clara started crying at the breast, reiterating my fears that I wasn't producing enough. She had times where she'd be happy if she wasn't eating or sleeping, making me feel like I was doing the right thing by giving her bottles. This must be what she needed.

6 Weeks Old:


It was getting more difficult to nurse her. She'd want a bottle after she nursed. My boobs were getting engorged; I was leaking everywhere. I continued to try pumping and I still wasn't getting very much. The thought crossed my mind that maybe I just didn't respond well to the pump, because I obviously had a lot of milk at this point and still wasn't pumping that much more. Maybe there was never too big of a supply problem to begin with, I thought...but Clara seemed happier, and I was less stressed so I was certainly happier. I was doing the right thing. I think.

7 Weeks Old:


I don't even remember the last time I nursed Clara, I just know it was sometime around this point. And that makes me sad. At the time I just felt relief. I remember thinking "They say that breastfeeding helps w/ bonding? I was starting to resent BF and maybe even my daughter." I read "BF is not for everyone" and thought "it certainly isn't." I thought that it would actually be possible to go back to work when she was 10 weeks old, and I didn't think it would be if she was still BF. Clara was happy. Until she screamed with painful gas. Again and again. We ended up switching formula to a more sensitive formula about a week later.

4.5 months old:


I quit my job to SAH with Clara. I emailed Kim about the possibility of re-lactating. I knew it'd be hard work but I thought it might be possible. She said it was possible and to just keep putting baby to breast. Well, *that* wasn't possible because at this point my nipple could have been my elbow or my big toe to Clara, she could have cared less. But I thought if I was able to pump some I could at least give it to Clara in her bottles. I researched re-lactating. I thought my only chance of success might be a domperidone prescription and I wasn't sure I was willing to try that.

6 Months old:


I found out about some great milk supplements available at Whole Foods and Amazon.com. I tried them for a few days and tried to pump, but I didn't even see one drop of milk. Had I at least seen *one* drop, I would have kept trying, but I figured it was a lost cause at this point.

Reflections:

• I shouldn't have listened to the doctor in the hospital who told me not to wake Clara up to feed her once my milk came in. I should have remembered that I should wake her up until she's back to birth weight. This may have helped us in the beginning a bit more.
• I should have trusted and confided in Kim more. She was a God-send, really, but after the seed of doubt was put in my mind by a medical professional that I was starving Clara, I doubted myself and Kim. I was afraid to confide in her more because I was afraid she'd be worried too, and if *she* was worried I 'd know I was doing something wrong.
• I should have trusted my gut more. Mommies do know best. I didn't truly think I was starving Clara, but the doubt kept nagging at me saying "What if your gut is wrong?"
• I should have kept better track of her wet diapers at the beginning. I paid close attention, especially after her first pedi appointment, but I didn't know I would be preparing to fight for me and my baby at her four day old appointment. If I had, I might have stripped those diapers down to nothing looking for pee! ;)
• Kim taught me a lot about making my nursing sessions more effective. If I had known that from the beginning, we may not have had the weight gain issues we had at first.
• I shouldn't have worried about the nipple shield as much. I know Kim really wanted me off of it, but Clara screamed bloody murder every time I tried to feed her w/o it. I should have accepted it and moved on, whether it was causing supply problems or not.
• Obviously, I can't tell the future, but I never would have gone to that original pedi's office. I know that I have to own my decision to supplement later on, but I cannot help but wonder if I would have had such a hard time or supplemented if I didn't have that initial seed of doubt that I was harming my baby. If I had gone to the pedi office we go to now, I never would have had to deal w/ M or S and the confusion and anger they have caused me. I know I need to let it go, but I still look back on that day as a terrible, awful day and I have so much resentment against M. I've honestly thought about contacting her if nothing else to tell her she is going to lose patients if she continues to treat them that way.  She is not only not very knowledgeable about BF, but she questioned me so much she made me question myself over and over again...Not exactly what a nervous first time mom needs.
• I think I might have had mild postpartum depression. I don't think it started until after Clara's pedi appointment from hell, I think it was just "baby blues" at that point. I thought since I felt better after stopping BF that BF was the problem, when in reality it was probably the stress and fear of starving her combined with the hormones that made it mild PPD. I say mild because I have heard of a lot worse, I was still happy at times and it went untreated and away on it's own.
• I think I had low-supply, but not terribly low. I think the stress certainly didn't help and I later found out I was drinking *too much* water (they tell you to drink a lot, so I did, but you can actually drink too much and hinder supply). Once I started the fenugreek I think I had a fine or even good supply. I don't think I responded well to the pump, some women don't. I couldn't feel let-down, some women don't...those two things further caused me to worry about supply though.
• I think I made BF harder than it had to be. I had done so much research on how hard it was, heard about how painful it was (I didn't experience too much pain, one bonus of the shield) and all about supply issues. But at some point, I should have just trusted my body and Clara to know what to do. Despite PCOS, my body was able to make and grow a baby without any fertility/medical intervention, so my body probably knew how to nourish a baby too. I kept hearing "BF is not natural at first" which is true in a way, it's very hard...but there is something natural to it if I was able to get over the hurdles and let it be.
• Clara just cried a lot and it wasn't hunger. She had a hard time sleeping, not because she was hungry, but because (I know now) she probably wanted to sleep on her belly, preferably on her belly on my chest. Not in her co-sleeper, swaddled on her back. She needed to comfort suck, hence why the paci helped her fall asleep so instantly the first time. Her comfort nursing all the time confirmed my fears that she was starving and needing to eat all the time. I think she might have had a little bit of colic, and perhaps I should have tried eliminating certain foods from my diet before assuming her cries were hunger cries. But again, once someone tells you you're not feeding your baby once...Especially since she still cried (from gas) on formula. Yes, she did cry less once we started formula, but I think that was a combination of three things 1) Her age. She was just getting older. 2) She could sense the stress and anxiety on me earlier and could tell I was not as stressed once we started bottles and 3) I was certain she wasn't starving once I started the formula, so I was more willing to try other things (other than nursing) to comfort her. I think she also got over-tired easily. She still does! She cries out in her sleep a lot to this day, and at the time I thought those were hunger cries and would get up and feed her...and making the cycle of being over-tired even worse. 
• I don't want other moms who formula feed to think I judge them for FF, whether they tried BF or not.  I don't. I *know* Clara will be fine. That she's happy and healthy and well nourished. But I hate that I FF. It makes me sad to give Clara a bottle when I could be nursing her. It makes me sad that other people can feed her and comfort her just as well as I can. (I know this should make me happy, but it doesn't.) If she struggles with her weight when she's older, or has any type of health problems, I will wonder (possibly irrationally) if it's because I quit nursing. Every time I step on the scale and see that I still can't seem to lose any weight, I wonder if I would have lost more if I continued nursing. Every time I spend $25 on formula I think about what else we could be doing with that money. Every time Clara wakes up in the middle of the night and screams because she's tired and only wants to be walked around, I wish I could just lay or sit down and nurse her back to sleep. I wonder what is wrong with me that other moms could go through more BF problems and make it work and I couldn't. I pride myself in sticking to my guns and doing what is right, and what I want - how was I able to lose sight of that during one of the most important times in my daughter's life? I wonder if and hope and pray I will be successful nursing our second child, but if I am will I feel even more guilty for not being successful with Clara? I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that it will get better, that some babies just nurse that often that early on, that I could do it, that I wasn't starving my daughter. I know that some people, even some moms won't understand why this is so upsetting to me, but I know that there are some who will. And hopefully you can hold your judgment until you've walked where I've walked and I will try to do the same for you.