Mommy guilt
I am a part of an online group of moms who were brought together by our due dates. It started as a public message board for August 2011 moms and since then we have created a more private facebook group. It's hard to believe how a group of women I have never met can keep me sane...our babies are going through the same things at the same time, which means a lot of us are going through the same things too. I can sign on one day, running on little to no sleep, and see someone else actually got less sleep than I did. OR someone got a lot more, and posts that there is hope for the rest of us! We all support one another and the best part is all the pictures of the cute little babies growing into cute little people! :)
Anyways, one of the moms posted a link to this article this morning and really resonated with me. The mom who wrote it has been both a WM (working mom) and a SAHM (stay at home mom) like myself and she discusses the guilt we put ourselves through as moms of either status, and the mommy wars that ensue between each other. One of the many things that has surprised me about motherhood is the guilt I feel about every.little.thing. When I was a working mom, I felt like I wasn't parenting enough - between working 40+ hours a week and the commute to and from daycare, and add in being a wife, friend, church member, daughter, sister, etc. I was torn in a million different directions and all day long I heard in my head "If you were a better mom, you'd be spending what precious time you have with your daughter reading to her, not singing to her while she plays in her bouncy chair and you try to make a dent in the stack of dishes in your sink." or "If you were a better mom, you wouldn't spend 30 minutes in the car talking to your BFF (hands free, people!), you would be singing and talking to her in the backseat. No matter that she likes to sleep in the car, she needs to hear your voice!" It was completely irrational. So when I chose to be a SAHM I irrationally assumed that most of the guilt would go away...While choosing this route was undoubtedly the best decision for my family, I feel just as much guilt now, if not more. Right now, that mommy martyr in the back of my head is saying "You should have put Clara down for a nap in the crib because she has to learn how to sleep in a crib better, instead of taking the easy route and putting her to sleep in her swing." Or "Why are you spending your day doing the dishes and laundry and not teaching your 5 month old geometry?" (Goodness knows they probably have some sort of infant geometry kit out there).
As if all that internal guilt were not enough, look at how we treat one another, our fellow moms! If a mom never leaves her baby, we call her a mommy martyr and discuss how the separation anxiety will be so bad when she finally does she will regret her behavior now. Or if she goes out w/ her husband or girlfriends a couple times a month, we talk about how she goes out "all the time" and her child must never see her. Is this gossip making us feel better about our own choices as mothers? It shouldn't. I can honestly say after a lot of the judgmental comments I received while pregnant and in my short time as a mother so far, I truly try to remind myself that every mother is different. Every family is different. And just because they are making a choice different than we would at that time, it does NOT mean their choice is the wrong one. I think the author of the blog listed above made such a good point of the fact that we are trying to raise little women (or men) and what does our example as humans say to our children? Not as working moms, stay at home moms, single moms, etc. It is not our choice to breastfeed vs. formula feed, jar food vs. homemade baby food, daycare vs. nanny, swimming lessons vs. library time, etc. that define us as parents. As long as we are caring for our children and supporting one another along the way, our mommy guilt tripping us out all day long should shut it. As should our unnecessary judgments of one another. Parenthood is hard enough, I frankly could use all the support I can get! Thank goodness for my August 2011 mamas, now let's try and treat our "in real life" mom friends the same way.
Anyways, one of the moms posted a link to this article this morning and really resonated with me. The mom who wrote it has been both a WM (working mom) and a SAHM (stay at home mom) like myself and she discusses the guilt we put ourselves through as moms of either status, and the mommy wars that ensue between each other. One of the many things that has surprised me about motherhood is the guilt I feel about every.little.thing. When I was a working mom, I felt like I wasn't parenting enough - between working 40+ hours a week and the commute to and from daycare, and add in being a wife, friend, church member, daughter, sister, etc. I was torn in a million different directions and all day long I heard in my head "If you were a better mom, you'd be spending what precious time you have with your daughter reading to her, not singing to her while she plays in her bouncy chair and you try to make a dent in the stack of dishes in your sink." or "If you were a better mom, you wouldn't spend 30 minutes in the car talking to your BFF (hands free, people!), you would be singing and talking to her in the backseat. No matter that she likes to sleep in the car, she needs to hear your voice!" It was completely irrational. So when I chose to be a SAHM I irrationally assumed that most of the guilt would go away...While choosing this route was undoubtedly the best decision for my family, I feel just as much guilt now, if not more. Right now, that mommy martyr in the back of my head is saying "You should have put Clara down for a nap in the crib because she has to learn how to sleep in a crib better, instead of taking the easy route and putting her to sleep in her swing." Or "Why are you spending your day doing the dishes and laundry and not teaching your 5 month old geometry?" (Goodness knows they probably have some sort of infant geometry kit out there).
As if all that internal guilt were not enough, look at how we treat one another, our fellow moms! If a mom never leaves her baby, we call her a mommy martyr and discuss how the separation anxiety will be so bad when she finally does she will regret her behavior now. Or if she goes out w/ her husband or girlfriends a couple times a month, we talk about how she goes out "all the time" and her child must never see her. Is this gossip making us feel better about our own choices as mothers? It shouldn't. I can honestly say after a lot of the judgmental comments I received while pregnant and in my short time as a mother so far, I truly try to remind myself that every mother is different. Every family is different. And just because they are making a choice different than we would at that time, it does NOT mean their choice is the wrong one. I think the author of the blog listed above made such a good point of the fact that we are trying to raise little women (or men) and what does our example as humans say to our children? Not as working moms, stay at home moms, single moms, etc. It is not our choice to breastfeed vs. formula feed, jar food vs. homemade baby food, daycare vs. nanny, swimming lessons vs. library time, etc. that define us as parents. As long as we are caring for our children and supporting one another along the way, our mommy guilt tripping us out all day long should shut it. As should our unnecessary judgments of one another. Parenthood is hard enough, I frankly could use all the support I can get! Thank goodness for my August 2011 mamas, now let's try and treat our "in real life" mom friends the same way.
Amen! This is a good thing to always keep in the back of your head as a reminder too. I was just feeling down for being a working mom and this was a good reminder that I'm doing the best I can and I want my son to have a great life.
ReplyDeleteI just update the template on my blog and it took away the link to the article! Working on it, but in the meantime here is the address: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/mommy-wars_b_1210602.html
ReplyDelete