Low Key Mom Shaming has Escalated during Covid 19
I wonder what our parents version of Bump or Facebook due date groups were. I guess just like, mommy and me classes? (Because in the 80s, why would a dad ever stay at home, and a mom ever need to work? Ugh.)
I'm still a part of a Facebook group of "May 2008 Brides" - a bunch of us who got married in May 2008 and "met" chatting on The Knot. Half of us are not married anymore, but we still chat regularly.
I am not, however, still a part of the Bump/due date groups I was a member of during my pregnancies and children's infant and toddler years. For those of you who may not be a millenial or Gen X women, these groups are pretty much what the names imply. A group of moms all expecting during the same month. Baby gear, breastfeeding, childbirth, sleep (or lack there of), etc. are all discussed, and I know people who have made very good friends this way. Mostly, it's a place for a mom of a six week old to run to at 2am and say "___ is happening, do I need to call a doctor? WebMD told me we are all dying." Maybe that's just the recollection of a mom who had undiagnosed post partum OCD.
The groups are kind of notorious for mom shaming - the breastfeeding versus formula great debate (read about my experience breastfeeding my oldest here, if you need some compassion for how difficult this can be), to sleep train or not to sleep train, working moms versus stay at home moms, when to start solid foods, did you go to the bathroom alone today? OMG you put your baby down?! #WORSTMOMEVER, you know the drill. While not all groups are like this, the ones I was a part of - they were. And I eventually left. Now that my kids are six and eight, I see why so much of that judgment, shame, unsolicited advice, and fear mongering was happening. Everyone was sleep deprived, hormonal, your vagina is or is about to be in pieces, something traumatic is happening to your nipples, and that little 8 lb 8oz baby was actually the weight of the world on ourbladders shoulders. And the thing is - no one had done this before. Even if you were a second or third or fourth time mom, you had never had THIS baby before. You had never had *this* number of kids before. And I'm not sure when being the perfect mom became the expectation (always?) but society's hot judgmental breath was breathing down your neck and whispering "you're not good enough, you'll fuck this up" to all of us. No one had it figured out and we all felt like we were the only ones who didn't have it figured out. So when a mom got on and said "What should I do?" or "Look what I'm going to do!" of course the rest of us asked ourselves Is what what I would do? And sometimes, when the colic and the sleep deprivation and the ice pack padded vaginas got to us, we would respond "That's wrong. You're wrong." Because that's not what we would do, and we felt threatened and scared because if she does it that way, then that makes my way wrong.
And, God forbid we admit we weren't always enjoying motherhood.
And now, here we are - in quarantine, trying to learn how to be our children's teachers as well as their parents, who never ever ever get a break from each other, learn how to work from home, schedule grocery store trips more strategically, wipe down our groceries, sew masks, schedule Zoom conference around telehealth appointments, piano lessons over Facetime, and when our internet might go out, and we have the weight of the world on our shoulders - we need to get these kids through this time without any major trauma, and yet, we are all going through something traumatic.
No one has it figured out and sometimes we feel like we are the only ones who didn't have it figured out.
We are all sleep deprived and doing something for the first time.
We're not always enjoying parenthood right now.
Of course the low key parent shaming is happening.
If I could go back into those Facebook groups (shudder), I would have so much more compassion for myself and the other moms. We were all just trying to figure it out. And that's exactly what we are doing right now.
So please, parents, be kind to yourselves. Stop listening to the people who tell you to be grateful for this time with your kids, if that's not how you're feeling. Stop listening to the people who tell you how you should be homeschooling your kids right now, because they don't know your kid's and family's needs. Stop listening to the other people, stressed out, sleep deprived, and alone, who, in their shaming or unsolicited advice, are saying "I'm doing it differently. And I'm scared I'm wrong."
I'm still a part of a Facebook group of "May 2008 Brides" - a bunch of us who got married in May 2008 and "met" chatting on The Knot. Half of us are not married anymore, but we still chat regularly.
I am not, however, still a part of the Bump/due date groups I was a member of during my pregnancies and children's infant and toddler years. For those of you who may not be a millenial or Gen X women, these groups are pretty much what the names imply. A group of moms all expecting during the same month. Baby gear, breastfeeding, childbirth, sleep (or lack there of), etc. are all discussed, and I know people who have made very good friends this way. Mostly, it's a place for a mom of a six week old to run to at 2am and say "___ is happening, do I need to call a doctor? WebMD told me we are all dying." Maybe that's just the recollection of a mom who had undiagnosed post partum OCD.
The groups are kind of notorious for mom shaming - the breastfeeding versus formula great debate (read about my experience breastfeeding my oldest here, if you need some compassion for how difficult this can be), to sleep train or not to sleep train, working moms versus stay at home moms, when to start solid foods, did you go to the bathroom alone today? OMG you put your baby down?! #WORSTMOMEVER, you know the drill. While not all groups are like this, the ones I was a part of - they were. And I eventually left. Now that my kids are six and eight, I see why so much of that judgment, shame, unsolicited advice, and fear mongering was happening. Everyone was sleep deprived, hormonal, your vagina is or is about to be in pieces, something traumatic is happening to your nipples, and that little 8 lb 8oz baby was actually the weight of the world on our
And, God forbid we admit we weren't always enjoying motherhood.
And now, here we are - in quarantine, trying to learn how to be our children's teachers as well as their parents, who never ever ever get a break from each other, learn how to work from home, schedule grocery store trips more strategically, wipe down our groceries, sew masks, schedule Zoom conference around telehealth appointments, piano lessons over Facetime, and when our internet might go out, and we have the weight of the world on our shoulders - we need to get these kids through this time without any major trauma, and yet, we are all going through something traumatic.
No one has it figured out and sometimes we feel like we are the only ones who didn't have it figured out.
We are all sleep deprived and doing something for the first time.
We're not always enjoying parenthood right now.
Of course the low key parent shaming is happening.
If I could go back into those Facebook groups (shudder), I would have so much more compassion for myself and the other moms. We were all just trying to figure it out. And that's exactly what we are doing right now.
So please, parents, be kind to yourselves. Stop listening to the people who tell you to be grateful for this time with your kids, if that's not how you're feeling. Stop listening to the people who tell you how you should be homeschooling your kids right now, because they don't know your kid's and family's needs. Stop listening to the other people, stressed out, sleep deprived, and alone, who, in their shaming or unsolicited advice, are saying "I'm doing it differently. And I'm scared I'm wrong."
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