Instead

Instead

She complained of her curves

From her thighs to her round bottom

She said I was lucky I didn’t have ‘em 

She was beautiful to me

With blonde curls and eyes the color of the sea 

But she didn’t seem to like her looks

And worried about the food that was cooked

I didn’t look much like her

I took more after my father 

So if her long legs and strong arms weren’t the future for me

Maybe I should look to the stars on the TV

Heroin chic was hot

My frizzy hair, a soft tummy, and short, strong legs were not 

A hair straightener, eye shadow, and skipping breakfast

Maybe that was for the best

So I restricted

And then I binged

Forever and ever amen 

That’s what it felt like, even though it was just 33 years

Before I stopped restricting my food and my tears

Tears over my body

Tears over my pain

Tears over all the weight loss and weight gain

I cried for my parents who didn’t know any better

I cried for myself who wished that they did

I cried for my daughters and what the world told them

I cried for the body that was made to hold them

How much power was I giving that scale

How many more jokes could I make about being a whale

It had to stop now

Before it started with my kids

I looked in the mirror and named things I loved

I tried to ignore the thoughts telling me I was gross, unlovable, and fat

I put food in my body to fuel it

I moved my body like I loved it

I noticed the curves from my waist to my hips

And the uneven smile of my lips

I saw the cream color of my soft skin 

And the aging hands made to hold my kin

I saw the ocean in my own eyes

And one day I didn’t hate myself after I ate fries 

Another day I ate kale

And not because I thought I was a whale

Not every day and not every second 

But little by little 

I learned I was loved 

Loved by the One who created me

And by many after 

But more importantly I learned I loved myself

Not for or because of or in spite of my stomach 

Or for or because of or in spite of my curls 

Just because I was made by Love to love

And once that is known

It can’t be unknown 

It spreads all over the curve of my hips

It runs from my heart to my finger tips 

Once your body knows love, there’s no turning back 

Do for your body what it needs to know Love

But know that for me it’s not what you might think 

It’s not compliments on weight loss or the telling silence on gain 

It’s not the way I style my hair or the size of my frame 

It’s loving and eating and moving and dancing 

It’s breathing and baking and holding and walking 

It’s breathing fresh air and drinking hot coffee

It’s warm sheets and sunsets and laughing 

So when I complain, please God let it be

Not of the body you gave me

Let it be of injustice and trauma and pain

I will cry for my brothers and sisters who hurt and who ache

And then I will look down at my soft tummy, small hands, strong calves and heart full of love

And I will not cry for me or this body, 

but instead

I will bake.