When Talking to a Woman in Ministry

It seems to be very difficult for a lot of people to understand how to interact with women (or anyone other than cis males) who work in ministry, so I thought I'd offer a little guide. I know what fascinating creatures we must be, seeing actual female leaders in the wild, so this will serve as something like a wildlife guide for church. But like, for actual human beings with careers. This guide will probably be too long to print on a wallet sized card, but it should slip into most bulletins or worship folders easily and inconspicuously should you feel the need to reference it on Sunday mornings or whenever you worship. 

Talking to women in ministry: 

Not ok to say:

• When you wear, it makes me ____. (No one cares. Least of all me.)
• I can see your ____ (knees, shoulders, toes, arms, neck, basically any body part) when you wear that.
• Can you adjust your ___ (skirt, dress, shirt, etc.)?
• Why do you wear ___?
• Will you wear ___?
• I like watching you.
• When you ____ (move your body in this way), it ____.
• You dress appropriately for the altar.
• It's nice to see you standing there every Sunday.
• That outfit is acceptable because ___.
• That outfit is unacceptable because ___.
• I'm going to give you a hug.
• You have such nice skin.
• When you overhear her boss/pastor compliment her on her work, responding with "But look at her tattoos!" (or anything about her appearance.)
• You look like you've lost weight. (Yup, even this. What if they have an eating disorder? What if they have another health condition?)
• ____ your body. (Just anything about our bodies. Just don't.)

Might be ok to say:

• I like your outfit!
• You have great fashion sense.
• Looks like you got some sun!
• I'm looking for a ___ (skirt, pants. etc) like that, do you mind telling me where you got it?
• You always look so put together, professional, nice. (Pretty much any other adjective is unacceptable.)
• Can I give you a hug?
• You look great!

A note about this section: If any of the qualifiers below apply, please draw an arrow from these statements to be included in the "Not OK to say" section rather than the "Might be OK to say" section.

1. If you never say anything from the "Better to Say" section to the woman in ministry.
2. If you say any of those statements with a judgmental or creepy AF stare.
3. If you look the woman up and down while saying it.
4. If you whisper it.
5. If your tone of voice is anything other than enthusiastic. And loud enough for anyone in a 5 foot radius to hear.
6. If you would be embarrassed for your spouse to overhear you say it in this manner.
7. If you're unable to accept no to any of the questions.
8. If it's not something you'd say to a man in ministry.
9. If you say it with lack of regard or respect to any sort of bubble.
10. If you say it while touching them in any way.

Better to say:

• I loved your message.
• I had some trouble with ___ part of your message. Would you have some time this week to talk about it?
• You're great at your job. I especially love ___.
• I have some concerns about ___ (aspect of your job). Would you have some time this week to talk about it?
• You're a great leader.
• I need advice about ___. Would you have some time this week to talk about it? (Disclaimer: If said topic is sexual in any way, use an arrow and take this statement to the "Not OK to say" section.)
• It's great to see you!
• You're really good at ___. Can you help me understand?
• Something I really love to talk about is: ____. Would you be interested in hearing more?

About Touch:

When a handshake might appropriate:

• Both parties are healthy.
• One extends their hand out and the other responds.
• No one is rubbing their thumb on the other's hand.
• The handshake lasts five seconds or less.
• No one is squeezing their masculine insecurity through the handshake. 
• No comments about the other party's body or outfit are being made.

When a hug might be appropriate:

• Both parties are healthy.
• More things are said from the "Better to Say" section than anything else.
• The other party's hand is not extended for a handshake and ignored.
• There is a relationship outside of Sunday morning comments on the woman's appearance.
• One person asks "Can I give you a hug?" and has waited for an affirmative answer before doing so.
• The woman in ministry is not cornered.
• The woman in ministry is not in a room alone with you.
• The woman in ministry is not trying to take a step back from you.

Touch that is inappropriate:

• Half of the time, hugs.
• Some of the time, handshakes.
• Holding the arm or hand of a woman in ministry, especially when her arms are crossed over her chest.
• Patting her hips.
• Adjusting her outfit for her.
• Touching her jewelry.
• Touching her hair.
• Touching her face.
• Basically don't touch me.

If this list (that is far from comprehensive) is still too long to fit in your church's worship folder and reference, I suggest copying and pasting the following onto a wallet sized card to refer to:

Would I say or do ___ to our male pastor?

That's normally a pretty good place to start. And end.

I can hear some of the responses now. "But what if she doesn't know ___ is showing?! What if she doesn't realize ___ about her ___ (body, outfit)?!" Here's a hint: She knows. She got herself dressed that morning. And the morning before. She also probably asked her female colleagues or texted friends "Can you see through this shirt? Do you think ___ will say something if I wear this?" She also probably tested sitting down, standing up, bending over, etc. in front of a mirror, before wearing it on a Sunday morning. I don't know about you, but I want women in ministry to have the energy to do the work they were called to do, not spending an hour deciding on the least controversial outfit.

Unless she trips and her skirt comes up over her head at the front of the sanctuary (not that I've had anxiety ridden dreams over this or anything), she knows you can see her knees. Yes! Women in ministry have knees! We also have (gasp!) shoulders! We also have stomachs and elbows and eye balls and some of us have breasts. We have hips and different colored hair. We have bodies.

We also have brains and leadership skills and callings. We have dreams and voices and gifts and skills. If my knees are a distraction from that for you, that's on you.

I hesitated to include these pictures, because it feels like just buying into the insanity, but this is a picture of something I wore on a Sunday morning. On this particular Sunday morning, a comment was made about my body and my outfit that lead me to finally hit post on this. If I can't wear a blouse tucked into a knee length skirt to an overall progressive, open minded, kind congregation without comments, what can I wear? (Hint: This is rhetorical question. Please point your answers to the "Not OK to say" section.)