A Simple 18 Step Process to Determining Your Patience, Worth as a Mother, and/or Decision to Have More Children
1. Sort through your children's baby gear and clothes. Weep as you choose to remember the precious memories of cuddling, milk drunk little newborns and block out the sleepless nights and ear piercing screams.
2. Second guess yourself as you sort through everything. Place the nicest clothes in the pile for your baby niece, mostly because you love her but partially because you know you can ask for the clothes back, if...needed.
3. It's 10 a.m. You have to be somewhere with both kids at 11 a.m. The location is 2 minutes away from your house, and about 30 seconds from the post office, so you decide you have time to pack up the kids and the previously bagged clothes and head to the post office.
4. 10:35 a.m. You're finally in the car.
5. In an effort to make every life experience a learning experience, discuss boxes and sizes of boxes and placement of boxes with your 3.5 year old. Finally pick the perfect box, perfect spot to pack the box, and you realize this box doesn't have the self sealer and you have no tape. Your 1 year old tries to eat something suspicious that may have come from the floor, or maybe your pants, you're not really sure.
6. Find the actual perfect box and discuss the rolling and stuffing process with your 3.5 year old while your 1 year old takes every article of clothing out of the box immediately after they are put in.
7. Kindly ask your 3.5 year old if they want to grab a second box when you realize you're out of room. They eagerly run halfway across the post office to grab it, turn around and declare it "too scary" and ask you to come with them. Gather up 1 year old, box of clothes, and bag of clothes and go back to get second box.
8. Take them to a shelf by a window to pack the rest. Hand the 3.5 year old the only pen to "address" the back of the box, while the 1.5 year old bangs on the window and empties every insurance, receipt, mail label form there is.
9. Try to actually address both boxes while 3.5 year old "sorts" the receipts back into their slots while the 1 year old tries to nosedive off of the shelf in order to reach the pen to "COLOR PEAS" boxes.
10. Get in line. 3.5 year old miraculously waits nicely and you offer her over the top praise for being such a help, all while wiping the sweat off your forehead and upper lip. #howsthatforsexappeal #istillgotit
11. Realize you're getting Steve's window. You know, Steve. Steve from the Huffman Post Office. All of you south Anchorage people know who I'm talking about. The smart ass, rude, obnoxious guy who has worked there as long as I can remember. The sweating continues with a fierceness that is inappropriate anywhere other than a treadmill or when talking to your junior high crush.
12. Then this conversation with Steve happens. Steve, who has witnessed the last 15 minutes of controlled chaos.
Steve: Do you realize you stuffed all this into a box that's going to cost you extra because it isn't a flat rate box?
Me: Oh really? No, I didn't know that. Man. Oh well, that's ok, I don't have time to repack it so I will just spend the extra money I guess.
Steve: Are you sure? Look, it's going to cost you an extra $10.
Me: No really, it's ok, next time. It's too much with the kids to try and repack it all now.
Steve: You were supposed to grab the flat rate boxes. See? They're right there. And your kids are being fine.
Me: Yes, thank you, I just don't know how long it's going to last so I would like to leave soon.
Steve: But it's going to cost you more money. Why didn't you grab a flat rate box? Look, your baby is helping you.
*1 year old screams COLOR!!! as she dives for the second box*
Me: Yes she is, I'm not sure how much longer they will last. I grabbed those boxes because the other ones didn't have sealers and I didn't have any tape.
Steve: They're the same ones. They have sealers.
Me: OK THAT'S FINE, NEXT TIME. I WOULD LIKE TO JUST PAY, PLEASE, SO I CAN LEAVE.
Steve: Ok ok, but your kids are being so well behaved. Look, they're helping you still. Who addressed this box?
Me: They both did, thank you, I need to go.
*1 year old screams POOP! I POOP!*
Steve: Ok but look it's costing you an extra $20 total.
Me: I SEE THAT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GOODBYE.
13. Wonder if you have time to go back home and change your sweat and rain soaked shirt. Ultimately decide against it. Your 3 year old laughs at your wet hair and your 1 year old screams for the pen you left at the post office. Practice your wrestling moves as you attempt to change a diaper in the back of your van.
14. Get to the fast food play place your play date is happening at a few minutes late. Your 1 year old is just big enough to climb the inside steps of the play structure, but not big enough to make it through alone, so spend a good 10 minutes with a tantruming toddler trying to distract her, keep her off the steps, etc. Finally you let her climb up a few steps and climb in after her, and as you're emerging you remark that you feel like a breech baby coming out of the birth canal. Scar all of your friends for life with the view.
This is the text conversation that followed the play date:
2. Second guess yourself as you sort through everything. Place the nicest clothes in the pile for your baby niece, mostly because you love her but partially because you know you can ask for the clothes back, if...needed.
3. It's 10 a.m. You have to be somewhere with both kids at 11 a.m. The location is 2 minutes away from your house, and about 30 seconds from the post office, so you decide you have time to pack up the kids and the previously bagged clothes and head to the post office.
4. 10:35 a.m. You're finally in the car.
5. In an effort to make every life experience a learning experience, discuss boxes and sizes of boxes and placement of boxes with your 3.5 year old. Finally pick the perfect box, perfect spot to pack the box, and you realize this box doesn't have the self sealer and you have no tape. Your 1 year old tries to eat something suspicious that may have come from the floor, or maybe your pants, you're not really sure.
6. Find the actual perfect box and discuss the rolling and stuffing process with your 3.5 year old while your 1 year old takes every article of clothing out of the box immediately after they are put in.
7. Kindly ask your 3.5 year old if they want to grab a second box when you realize you're out of room. They eagerly run halfway across the post office to grab it, turn around and declare it "too scary" and ask you to come with them. Gather up 1 year old, box of clothes, and bag of clothes and go back to get second box.
8. Take them to a shelf by a window to pack the rest. Hand the 3.5 year old the only pen to "address" the back of the box, while the 1.5 year old bangs on the window and empties every insurance, receipt, mail label form there is.
9. Try to actually address both boxes while 3.5 year old "sorts" the receipts back into their slots while the 1 year old tries to nosedive off of the shelf in order to reach the pen to "COLOR PEAS" boxes.
10. Get in line. 3.5 year old miraculously waits nicely and you offer her over the top praise for being such a help, all while wiping the sweat off your forehead and upper lip. #howsthatforsexappeal #istillgotit
11. Realize you're getting Steve's window. You know, Steve. Steve from the Huffman Post Office. All of you south Anchorage people know who I'm talking about. The smart ass, rude, obnoxious guy who has worked there as long as I can remember. The sweating continues with a fierceness that is inappropriate anywhere other than a treadmill or when talking to your junior high crush.
12. Then this conversation with Steve happens. Steve, who has witnessed the last 15 minutes of controlled chaos.
Steve: Do you realize you stuffed all this into a box that's going to cost you extra because it isn't a flat rate box?
Me: Oh really? No, I didn't know that. Man. Oh well, that's ok, I don't have time to repack it so I will just spend the extra money I guess.
Steve: Are you sure? Look, it's going to cost you an extra $10.
Me: No really, it's ok, next time. It's too much with the kids to try and repack it all now.
Steve: You were supposed to grab the flat rate boxes. See? They're right there. And your kids are being fine.
Me: Yes, thank you, I just don't know how long it's going to last so I would like to leave soon.
Steve: But it's going to cost you more money. Why didn't you grab a flat rate box? Look, your baby is helping you.
*1 year old screams COLOR!!! as she dives for the second box*
Me: Yes she is, I'm not sure how much longer they will last. I grabbed those boxes because the other ones didn't have sealers and I didn't have any tape.
Steve: They're the same ones. They have sealers.
Me: OK THAT'S FINE, NEXT TIME. I WOULD LIKE TO JUST PAY, PLEASE, SO I CAN LEAVE.
Steve: Ok ok, but your kids are being so well behaved. Look, they're helping you still. Who addressed this box?
Me: They both did, thank you, I need to go.
*1 year old screams POOP! I POOP!*
Steve: Ok but look it's costing you an extra $20 total.
Me: I SEE THAT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GOODBYE.
13. Wonder if you have time to go back home and change your sweat and rain soaked shirt. Ultimately decide against it. Your 3 year old laughs at your wet hair and your 1 year old screams for the pen you left at the post office. Practice your wrestling moves as you attempt to change a diaper in the back of your van.
14. Get to the fast food play place your play date is happening at a few minutes late. Your 1 year old is just big enough to climb the inside steps of the play structure, but not big enough to make it through alone, so spend a good 10 minutes with a tantruming toddler trying to distract her, keep her off the steps, etc. Finally you let her climb up a few steps and climb in after her, and as you're emerging you remark that you feel like a breech baby coming out of the birth canal. Scar all of your friends for life with the view.
This is the text conversation that followed the play date:
15. Get home, get everyone in from the car, cleaned up, play for a few minutes, and then down for nap, which lately has consisted of a lot of screaming from the 1 year old.
16. Thank God for your two children but text your sister in law to see if your niece needs anything else. You know your limits and you.are.done.
17. Both kids are finally asleep. Look through their pictures on your phone and say "awwww." Get a text from a good friend that she had her baby girl. Remember the moments your babies were placed on your chest. Cry. Look at baby names online.
18. 1 year old is crying. Schedule your husband's vasectomy. Sorry babe, didn't want you to have to find out this way. ;) Happy Father's Day, say goodbye to your balls! ;)
This made me laugh! Thanks for the entertainment!
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