Love Letter 2: So your friend/family member is getting a divorce

I will be doing a new weekly an occasional (because weekly is too big of a commitment for an enneagram 7 in 2020) series called "Love Letters" on smoreslife.blogspot.com. Welcome to the 2nd edition. In each letter, I'll be writing to "someone" - that person may be you. It may be me. It may be both. But no matter whom I am writing to, I am writing from a place of my own limited personal experiences. It may be from a place of first hand experience, or it may not. I hope it touches you, but it may not. If you don't feel seen or heard in these love letters, kindly reach out to me. I'd love to hear about your own experience.

Love Letter Series: Number Two

Dear friend or family member of someone going through a divorce,

Shit. 

(Or maybe FINALLY.)

I don't know what kind of feelings you're having right now, after hearing the news that your childhood friend, college roommate, daughter, sister, or co-worker is going through a divorce. I don't know exactly what those feelings are, but I know you're having feelings.

I know this brings up stuff for you. I know that when you hear someone is going through a divorce, it makes you question your own marriage. If it could happen to them, could it happen to you? Or, what was going on that we didn't know about? Could something be going on in my own marriage that I don't know about? Or maybe your parents were divorced and this is bringing up a lot of those old, difficult feelings for you. Maybe you're looking at their kid(s) and seeing yourself. Maybe you loved their spouse and you're wondering how to navigate your relationship with both people. Maybe you're so grateful your friend is finally free. Maybe you think they should have stuck it out some more. Maybe you think they failed, and you feel pride at your own accomplishment of staying married. I know you might confused about what to say to your person, the one going through the divorce, and you're afraid of saying the wrong thing. Maybe you're frustrated that your friend isn't the same friend you've come to know and love; they're unreliable and not as engaged. You miss them.

I know it's hard.

It's also not about you.

And if your friend is anything like me, they're going to know and pick up on allllll of that. All of those feelings and more that I just listed, they'll know because they experienced similar feelings themselves before they were on this side of things, and they'll know because they love you and know you and can sense all of that. They sense the tension and the awkwardness and the confusion and the fear. They might also know, because, unfortunately, many of you will vocalize those fears and your own feelings. I'm asking you not to.

Because your friend, if she's anything like me, might feel responsible for them. She's not, and she will have to learn that, but she's learning a lot of other really hard shit right now, let's give her a break on your feelings, k? She's hurting, she's scared, and things in her life are out of control. When you offer her up your feelings it not only burdens her, she may be even more likely to take them on and over-explain in an effort to help you understand, because it's one thing she can do. It's one thing she can control - the narrative.

Don't do it. Your questions will likely get answered, in time. Or they won't, and so they weren't yours to begin with. 

Please remember, this person in your life? They aren't you. They aren't your parents. They aren't your spouse. Your projection of your own fears is not their burden to bear.

I have told you a lot of "what not to say." Can I take a moment and share with you some of the most helpful, meaningful, thoughtful things that were said and done in the months and years leading up to, during, and after my divorce?

"I am so sorry. Divorce is so hard. And...you are so brave."

"You do not have to explain your decision making process to me. I trust you and your judgment. If you'd like to share, I can listen."

"There is peace on the other side of this. I promise."

"You are such a good example to your daughters."

"I am so inspired by how you handled: _____."

"Your kids will be ok. They are ok."

"I know you must have thought and prayed about this endlessly. I can't imagine how hard of a decision this was. I am here for you in any way you need."

"Can I bring you some cheese?" (Seriously.)

I was gifted a bracelet that says "Fearless" on it. I still wear it and think of this person's support then and now, in my life.

I was gifted the book The Wounded Healer by Henri Nouwen with the note "You can turn your pain into your power."

Countless walks, girls nights, texting sessions, dinners out, bottles of wine split among friends, froyo sessions, coffee dates, phone calls - from people who listened to me, encouraged me, bought me a drink, let me cry - occasionally, in public. 

Months or years from now, your person might be in the place to answer your questions. Or by then, you may have realized that your feelings about their divorce are your feelings, and not your person's responsibility. I know you love them, and you care for them, and want whats best for them and your relationship. Let them lead, and follow with grace. I know it's hard. But it'll be ok, if you just let them not be ok for a little while. 

With Love,

E