Breastfeeding Haddie

*I started writing this post a few months after Haddie's birth. I'm just now coming back to it at almost 7 months post partum, so the details are a bit blurry. Also, there are breastfeeding pictures in here so if a little bit of side boob and a happy baby make you uncomfortable then 1) you might have a problem and 2) stop reading now.

I need to start by saying a lot of people may not understand why this is so important to me. Maybe they don't see the big deal about breastfeeding, maybe they didn't struggle with it themselves, or maybe they did and got over it easier than I did. Maybe they aren't parents yet or can't understand the feeling of being told your body is failing at taking care of your child. But that's what it comes down to for me - After I struggled and "failed" at breastfeeding Clara, and it looked like that might happen again with Haddie, I was mad at my body. I felt like this is the one thing a mother is supposed to be able to do for her child, to feed them, their only job is to grow and I can't help them grow. I know it doesn't even begin to compare to struggling with infertility but I described it to Ian as the feelings of feeling betrayed by your body might be similar. Someone else might think that I'm overreacting, but I had real feelings of grief and frustration after trying so hard to breastfeed Clara and all of those feelings and that knowledge I gained went into my experience with Haddie.

I "knew" (in the book sense) everything there is to know about breastfeeding before I BF Clara, and even more afterwards. But it's kind of like reading a lot of parenting books. You don't know until you're in the trenches changing diapers and up all night what it's really going to be like, as much as the books might tell you.

I met with the lactation consultant (Sarah) at Geneva Woods while I was in my first trimester. In my very first consultation I gave the midwife a brief rundown of my BF history and she said right away she would get Sarah on board to help. We then met again at the end of my third trimester. We knew these things going into it: That low supply was very possible because I have PCOS and we had a history of it. That a tongue tie needed to be looked for right away because Clara had one. That I really didn't want to use a nipple shield if at all possible. And that we needed to keep an eye on the possibility of post-partum depression, again.

The birth assistant in Haddie's birth is interning, so to speak, under the LC so I had a good person to help right away. She checked her for a tongue tie almost immediately at my request. Haddie latched within minutes of her birth, something Clara was never able to do without a nipple shield. I was thrilled with how she started. She nursed for a long time as Ian and I laid in bed and he dozed off, because clearly he had a rough night having just given birth and all - oh, wait. ;) It was great to have that time together immediately after birth. They came in to weigh her afterwards and she was 8lb 11oz. She had pooped meconium on my chest as soon as she was born so they said the little bit of colostrum she just had probably evened out to make her birth weight pretty accurate.

The next day my nipples were sore and starting to crack a little, but nothing unbearable. I showed the MW who did the home visit (since we left the birth center 4 hours after Haddie's birth.) and we knew that I would be meeting with Sarah sometime this week. On Tuesday morning (Haddie was about 36 hours old) she was down to 8lb 2oz on a different scale - normal weight loss. On Wednesday at the pediatrician's office (third scale) she was 8lb 1.5oz. Again - normal weight loss. On Thursday I met with Sarah and Victoria (birth assistant) and on the original birth center scale she was 8lb 1oz. All fairly normal. This is what we went over:

• My nipples were torn up, but still no sign of a tongue or lip tie or otherwise bad latch. They gave me some tips there.
• I told them the morning was spent nursing her non-stop, and I was starting to get nervous since that's how Clara was acting and she wasn't getting enough. But, before that I felt like Haddie was a better nurser and that my supply was better.
• I never became engorged by "milk coming in" but I could tell more than last time that I did have milk. They said Haddie should start gaining in the next 24 hours as it had come in.
• They said she was a "funny repositioner" and couldn't tell if it was because she wasn't getting satisfied or just her personality (I now think it was probably a bit of both.)
• Sarah expressed concern over not hearing a lot of swallowing (causing my nerves to rise even more.)
• She had me pump, where I didn't get much but they told me two things - there was clearly milk there, and after she had nursed, so that was a good thing. But it was also clear I didn't respond well to the pump, we got most of the little bit of milk when she distracted me by talking about what Clara and Ian were up to. She gave me some tips on responding better to the pump.

*July 2014 -

 

So as I said, it's been almost 7 months so the details are now a bit blurry. Bottom line is, after a lot of back and forth with the pedi, LC, and myself - Haddie wasn't gaining enough weight. It was like a flashback to Clara all over again, except this time the only reasonable explanation seemed to be PCOS/low supply since Haddie latched fine (once we got over the initial weeks of pain and thrush - because I mean low supply isn't enough, lets get bloody nipples and then thrush to make it even more fun!) And except this time I had an amazing and supportive pediatrician who just said at her 2 week appointment "yep, she didn't gain as much as we would like.Do what the lactation consultant suggests - call me with her weight on Monday and as long as she has gained some, keep working with the LC and I trust you guys. I'll see you at her 2 month appointment unless you want to see me before that."

I did a lot of pumping, a lot of feeding, a little crying, a little supplementing, and very little sleeping. Eventually we decided I would go on domperidone to help with my supply. This med is often prescribed to breastfeeding mothers to help raise their prolactin levels, and therefore aid lactation. It was like a miracle drug. I wasn't supplementing much but I was able to stop supplementing (with finger syringe) completely. Haddie hit her growth curve and has kept it up for 7 months. We still had minor frustrations, but we have had a lot of precious moments breastfeeding, something I longed for with Clara. (But yes, I still feel just as bonded to Clara and felt bottle feeding was definitely bonding for us.)

So where are we now? Well, Haddie is almost 7 months old and has been getting solids for about a month but besides that is exclusively breastfeed. She eats every 2-3 hours during the day and every 4 at night (on a good night - which are just as often as bad nights, it seems.) She nursed wonderfully under the cover until she was 4 months old and after that screamed and bat at it for the next 2.5 months, until I just recently said "screw it" and decided to nurse in public without the cover. Finally I'm practicing what I preach. ;)

Our biggest struggle now is the domperidone. It has some nasty side effects on my stomach, and I'm fairly certain it has made me gain weight. I know I am far from the only one (thanks to my friend google) who has complained about this side effect. I am exercising regularly, eating no different than I have been - perhaps more because breastfeeding/domperidone made me ravenous, but no reason to be gaining the amount that I am. I have about 2 months worth of dom left and then I am going to stop taking it. If she needs 3 months of formula to make her to one year, I am totally fine with that - except irony of ironies, girlfriend doesn't take a bottle! So she will either have to learn or take it from a sippy cup. Best case scenario I stop taking the dom completely and can FINALLY start losing weight and my supply doesn't dip. But I'm not all that hopeful. Considering she still doesn't sleep great, I am hesitant to do anything to affect my supply but at this point I am ready to have my body back, especially since my body is growing like I'm pregnant and I am not.

Like I said, not everyone will understand or be supportive of this. I consider making it to 7 months a success. Any further is also a success. If I had only made it to two months - that would have been a success too. Point is I did everything I could and so that has to be a success in my mind. Until now, with the weight gain, I have never been more proud of my body. I've always struggled with my weight but for the first time I was able to be proud of something my body did right - helped nourish my baby. I know some people think I'm a fool for doing it at all, considering the emotional and physical toll it's taken. I know some people think I'm a fool for considering weaning her before she's one. But I did and am doing is what was right for me and Haddie. Just like I did what was right for me and Clara, and I finally...FINALLY have closure on not being able to breastfeed Clara. And I say it just like that - not being ABLE to. I didn't fail. I didn't fail her, she didn't fail me. 

I have had a handful of very supportive, amazing friends who have helped me breastfeed Haddie and responded to middle of the night texts and calls and for them and my pedi and my lactation consultant, I am so grateful. 

That said, there are a lot of well meaning people who said hurtful things too. I am not calling them out, just as I didn't when they said it, but I would like to make people aware of what may be said with the best of intentions can be hurtful. I was told basic common sense breastfeeding advice as if I didn't know it. I was told I just needed better support, that I needed to bring out my inner mama bear, or that I needed to do this or that differently. What I know now, what Haddie has given me, is that I know with both of my children I did everything right. I could not and would not have done anything differently with either of them.