Not the cutesy ones with the perfect memories with my kids. I actually have been having lots of those lately too, which is nice because it makes the crazy mom moments not as hard. It's a lot more difficult to be mad at my 2 year old when she poops on my hand when its after she's made me laugh hysterically rather than after she's stayed awake and hyper on a cross country flight.
But those moments where you wonder if this is all you are anymore...a mom. And when I say it like that, it sounds bad, right? Because being a parent is THE most important job in the world, and incredible, and a gift...which makes you then feel guilty (MOM GUILT IS THE MOST REAL THING EVER IN LIFE, EVER) for questioning it.
But. The other day I was folding laundry and I realized the nicest and sexiest underwear I own are my new Thinx PERIOD PANTIES. Period fucking panties. I mean yeah, there's lace on them and they're black. They don't look like period panties. They're pretty cute, actually. OK. Ok. This is not self care, my friends. Even better is I have about six bras, one of which fits properly, and three of them are nursing bras. NURSING BRAS. Haddie is 3 in December and she was weaned at 13.5 months. I mean, come ON. Though, I will say, one of the best things about nursing bras and tanks that I didn't realize until just recently (which is ironic, considering how insatiable your appetite is when breastfeeding) is if you drop crumbs down your tank or bra, all you have to do is undo those little clips and stand over a trash can and you're good to go!
IS THIS WHAT MY LIFE HAS COME TO? Excitement over a removable shelf bra that doesn't even fit properly? Plus I'm pretty sure my neighbors think I have some weird fetish about standing with what looks like a shirt up to my boobs over my trash can and bouncing a bit.
Yesterday after I dropped my kindergartner (How is she in kinder already? Wasn't it just yesterday I was wearing nursing bras? OH WAIT. Yes, yes it was.) off at school, one of the other moms and I were having a conversation when she really kindly commented on "how beautiful" I looked that day. I said "Oh thanks, I showered." I didn't just think it, I said it. Like that's a normal response.
I love my kids. I love being a mom. But there has to be more to me, right? Is there? Heck, even this blog, where I come to write every 2.68 months, all I write about is motherhood. Which is great and lovely and fulfilling and to be honest, really good material because kids are crazy and I live in a nuthouse, but I'm not even sure what my interests are anymore. I'm starting to realize, in order to be a more patient, happy, present mama, I need to take care of ME too. I just need to figure out who that person is, outside of my role as mommy. When my kids are old enough to have a more "equal" relationship (I'm assuming in 20 years they won't be calling for me from the toilet to wipe their butts but NEVER SAY NEVER, I know!), I want there to be a person for them to have a relationship with...not just a shell wondering why I'm not sure what to do with myself outside of packing those lunches and planning those play dates.
So I have some goals for the rest of 2016 and I need you all, my average of 8.6 readers, to 1) hold me accountable, 2) tell me what your self care/discovery goals are,
1. Get properly fitted for some bras and throw away the ones stabbing me or with weird removal systems...unless the weird removal systems is some kind of cool, kinky thing I'm totally ignorant to and it's unrelated to nursing.
2. Wear earrings at least four days a week. FOUR DAYS A WEEK. Earrings make me feel pretty.
3. Read a book that isn't related to motherhood.
4. Plan or attend at least one girls night out a month, even if I have to hire a sitter. But no way in hell I'm promising not to talk about our kids, because hello...baby steps. I can't even go to a non-kid party and find something outside of poop and ballet classes to discuss.
5. Continue to exercise 3-5 days a week.
6. Clean out my car. It's gross and there's a film covering everything...with goldfish stuck to it.